What should I do?

Have you ever wonder what do you want to do in or meant to accomplished in this life?

I wonder about it all the time, I think about it all the time and I have drafted numerous proposals to push myself to go further and do something, anything! I listed pros and cons about what I wanted and needed, map out the possible consequences on each route to be taken. Checklist of making things happen but nothing seems to work out so far... Because plan is just a dream without action.

While I've been trying to figure myself out, there has been many, too many opportunities approaching me. So many people showing so many presentations, people coming out with some amusing and some confusing financial plans, some forwarding articles of good stuff, suggestions of new products, impressive marketing plans. There is just one too many choices to be choose.

I am uncertained.

Should I continue with my apprenticeship of working with a capable leader that constantly gives me new challenges and new free appreciation (no promotion but have minimal increment) .

Should I go with one of it for the money?

Should I put my life together and work it out piece by piece, slowly?

Should I just be happy and forgo everything then just live a usual life?

Should I just flush all the thoughts into the toilet bowl and do the thing I felt?

I don't have the answer yet. What about you?

Growing Up

I seriously have no idea what was I thinking. Slept at 7am, woke up at 10am to make a call to reschedule my IPL treatment to 5pm then appear there at 4.15pm. Did it earlier and ran (yes I ran!) on a train to the airport.

I was stinking sweat then; supposingly feel frustrated but I felt satisfied, I did not think twice. I was going to meet my sister and her sons whom is flying overseas, to which the next time we meet is undefined.

Over the years, I became gradually careful of my options and decisions at all times. People said it is called growing up, I think it I called normalizing ones' creativity, it is somehow consuming me at the same time. I felt like a right brainer turning into a left brainer and slowly going to be a no brainer.

I can feel the sense of losing myself to the norm of the society especially to do something adhocly has become a choice.

If this is growing up, why was I not warned?
If this is growing up, is creativity the only thing I will be giving up on?
If this is growing up, have I lost more than just my spontaneity and have not realized it?
If this is growing up, will I fail to know myself soon?

I don't have an answer, will I ever have an answer? I really wish I can screw work, buy a ticket, fly anywhere now, think it through there then decide the next step. Well since tomorrow is a working day, I am not getting on a last minute flight anywhere.

Return ticket to my work is the only available option right now. Do you feel the same?

The Right Person

Do you know who is the right person for you in your life?

I used to think that I will not find the right person for me in my life and I have been struggling to feel happy and secured.

Maybe it is age factor or maybe because I have been through a lot hence recently I felt that finding the right person is not finding the person you want but it's about finding the person that can let you become the person you should be becoming, making me more of the person that will love life, becoming the person that enjoy life, becoming the person that will feel satisfied and will never ever hate being alive.

I met (and left) this guy whom I was with for 5 years, someone I wanted to have in my life. He treated me well in the first few months then he became really controlling until an extend he beat me and kept me in the house for 2 years. I couldn't explain why I sucked it up back then but I eventually came to my conscience and worked my way out of his sight. I was kept away from his family for 5 years, earned and spent all my money, took up bank loans on his behalf, lost all my savings, got trouble in my first business attempt and I couldn't work because he regularly came to harass me at my work place.

I wouldn't thank him for who I am today because with or without him, I would live another day without scar on my body, heart and mind. Everything happened for a reason and I am grateful I lived that through.

On another occasion, I am currently dating a guy whom I never thought I would be with. He was boring (now not that boring), blunt and most of the time seemed cold to me. Me being a talkative, outgoing and passionate person, we didn't connect quite well. There were numerous ups and downs but he sticked around really tightly, we grew together.

What made me really sure about him being in my life for the longest of time is the fact that he loves my family and his family the same way, although we are still just dating. He cares for my sister and mother's well being without being asked. He constantly reminds me of going back to home and let me be myself.

He used to piss me of by trying to talk me into his way but upon confrontation of the situation, he respect my choice and I learned to respect his choice too.

A side note, he used to be very calculative about money, I was a person whom don't think when I spend (I am not in debt); we changed. He taught me how to save and I taught him how to spend well, I can say that we have stable financial now because we were so different in handling our financial thus benefited us by being balanced! This will be shared on how in another post.

The point I wish to say is that, it don't really matter who you want to have in your life but the person you need in your life, to be a better version of you. I am thankful and grateful to be able to meet this loyal person  whom have made me a better person along the way.

Are you currently seeing the person you never thought you wanted but just happened to be the one that you need?

Lost and Found

I have been relatively lost recently, figuring out the next step of my life. I have tried talking to many people but none really can tell me what I should be doing next.

I have been planning many times for long time, thinking during sleepless nights and counting those abstract analysis in order to gauge my next time. 

I love life, I embrace my life and I have been living the 10 years plan I have set. Having it achieved worries me.

I fear I may not know what to do next in life;

I fear I will not have something new to look forward to;

I fear being a nobody at the end of my life in this world;

I fear of being not enough as a daughter, sister, aunt, friend or worker;

I fear the most of being not good enough as a world growth contributor.

What if I have done not enough today to be a better me than yesterday?

I see many people have been doing it their way or the way they wanted me to see it as. When can I be like that?

Little did I know that a gathering I have consistently missed in the last 10 years would bring difference to my life, thoughts and my whereabouts. 

My primary classmates, were people whom I genuinely missed because of how they make me feel when I am around them. They don't judge me, is always subjective and have always let me feel welcomed in the group, although I have missed almost 100% of the gathering in the last 10 years.

They did not judge me.

They were eye openers to me.

They have inspired me to be myself.

They remind me not to rush the clock because of someone else.

They are all diligent people working in their field of expertise.

They have reminded me that I should look out of my desk to be different.

I am grateful and thankful that this bunch of people actually look forward to having a gathering every year, having the effort to make it to the gatherings. I will do my best to attend all the gatherings in future because I know I will be inspired even more.

团圆饭

我13岁就读于独立中心，这所学校是我自己选择去的。课业繁忙但是学校坚持我们必须要尽量品学兼优所以会让户外活动，各个科目和运动作为我们的成绩指标。上学的时候，我们每天都会在各班级轮流派出的代表带领下，阅读我觉得对我影响甚远的弟子规，论语，大学之道等。

每年我最期待的就是新年做的班级布置，一个我自己会偷偷保留的传统。保留就是为了让自己的回忆更新，哪怕自己一人也要坚持。

2019已经过了半个月，每天都在忙碌。我真不知道自己的忙碌点是什么，什么才是我想活的样子。

每年过完新年，我最期待就是农历新年的团圆饭！只可惜我的家人不觉得团圆饭有多重要，因为大家少年时沉浸的生长环境大不同。团圆饭是我人生中最重要的事情，我真希望我的家人会明白这个佳节聚会的传统不是为了让妈妈们累，只是为了让一家人有非聚在一起不可的理由。

我一直向往做个不一样的人，所以从小就会选择一个比较崎岖的道路。虽然这是自己领悟的所谓＂道理＂，但是我真觉得吃得苦中苦，方为人上人。

只是错过团圆饭这个苦，能不能不要上演了？

How much does it cost to keep a memory?

A place I wish to keep in my life, has been sold.

This is the place that I have stayed during my high school time, the place that witness my first love, first time being away from home, first time going on a date, first time raring my own rabbit, first time raring my own fish, first time taking care of an elderly, first time prayed until I cried, the place I spent the most time with an elderly and learned that no matter what happens in life, always look at it differently because everything changes every second.

I received a message informing that the place I grew up in, has been officially sold at the tag price of near to 4 million Ringgits. I do not own it, neither did my direct family have any ownership towards it but it has been sold and it will highly be turned into a commercialized venue since it is situated in the centre of attention in one of the most well known heritage in Malaysia.

Do you know what makes it hurtful?

I have been working really hard for 10 years with the purpose of having to be able to have the capital to keep my memories and buy thing I always wanted to keep. This time round, I couldn't do it because it is too costly, something that I cannot afford.

Making the feeling worse, it was purchased by my former schoolmates whom were at least 1 year younger than me, 4 of them. I wonder what did they do to be able to buy the property so quickly since they graduated much later than me.

It is definitely a mixed feelings because I cannot afford it while those graduated after me can. (Note: I didn't go to university hence started working 4 years earlier than them)

I know many would think that it could be that they are rich or made a fortune or probably struck a lottery to afford it. Have a thought at it, they afford something I couldn't, what is my excuse to still be status quo?

Opportunity knocks on the door

The fisherman's boat sinked and he was hanging on the float he had.

He prayed hard for God to help him. 

A luxurious cruise passed by and offered his a free spot on the ship, he rejected saying he is waiting for God to save him. 

A fishing boat passed by and offered him to be on the boat so that he can have enough of food to eat and warm his body. He rejected saying he is waiting for God to save him. 

A submarine passed by seeing him floating and they offered him to be in the submarine so that he can be sent onshore for proper medical treatment. He refused the offer, saying he rejected saying he is waiting for God to save him. 

A patrolling helicopter passed by and saw him in the middle of the sea. They attempt to save him but he struggled and refused to be on the helicopter, saying he rejected saying he is waiting for God to save him. 

He floated and arrive to an island where it is hosted by its origin and they saved him but he jumped back into the ocean and thought that he is waiting for God to save him.

Yes you guessed it right, he died. When he gone to heaven, he questioned God, why didn't God save him while he have been praying for it.

God told him that He have sent a luxurious cruise, a submarine, a fish boat, an island and a helicopter but the fisherman refused all of it. How can he be the one questioning? 

When was the last time you turn down an opportunity a friend shared with you to earn money because you don't think you have the time, energy,  skill or it is not the opportunity you are praying for?

Ask yourself, is it possible you earn more, gain more, grow more by keep on doing the same thing?

Bill Gates quotes, "if you are born poor, it is not your fault but if you die poor, it is your fault" .

My quote, if you were like that one year ago, it may not be your fault but if you are still like that one year later, whose fault do you think it is?

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