Sunday 8 September 2019

Captivated Emotions - School Bully

I registered for a 5KM marathon and decided to - SKIP.

It was not an easy decision merely because no matter what I decide, one of the person in the group will never stop mocking me. It was emotionally important to be away from mocking today, I came across the drama "The 13 reasons" and it hit me so hard that I decided to drop going to the marathon, even though I have looked forward towards it for 2 months plus.

The 13 reasons shared on emotions bullying by the people in Hannah's surrounding and the people whom watched it but did nothing. I couldn't watch it through. I was lack of the courage to confront the past that haunted me for years that still succeed in giving me nightmares shivers and goosebumps, just thinking of it.

I have no idea why I was the center emotion bullying in school, no assured answer on what is its cause, I suspect it was because I had a fairy tale life where I only met the good people, kind people, helpful people, kind worded people and loving people.

We were a poor family, father was a hospital attendant and he was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer when I was 8-year-old. Mother was a housewife for 12 years, she gave in on her career in order to give the best she can to her children; she was forced to start working because father was our only breadwinner and he have gotten too sick.

I didn't know what is cancer when I was first told. I could only recall mother and father going away and coming back a place not near to our city for about 9 months, then we were all taken out of school for several months in order to be temporarily home-schooled in another city while my father go through herbal medication. During the intermittent trips they took in those 9 months, I can still remember father crying and begging mother to let him just die because chemotherapy was too painful for him. I cried quietly for the first time and I kept reminding myself that I need to "man up" in a family of all daughters. Perhaps, hardship seeded in me then, it consumed me and led me to depression at the age of 10 when father passed away. (I didn't have good relationship with my mother, things were better in my mid 20s)

I became extremely rebellious with all the creative drama plot, to meditate for 49 days in the room with only snacks and plain water to feed me, not going to school for my final exam, not completing the hell lot of home work that Chinese primary public school gives, I tried running away and came home because it was too cold outside, etc. All the plots failed.

11-year-old, I was helped by many great people in life while mother worked in another country to make ends meet.

Then, middle school happened, I joined the a Chinese independent school as I wanted to be different among my sisters. They have all attended public school and I often hear sisters sharing on how lack of passion were the teachers in their classes. I was worried that I won't be able to learn as much while I am young so I insisted to attend Chinese independent school.

13-year-old, I thought the world can only be beautiful until the Chinese independent school's environment exposed me to a world of cruel speaking people that talk offensively, care about no body's feeling, gossip rumours that was never confronted nor confirmed, school emotion bullying by teachers and classmates spike like it is the norm, the fast pace of non-adaptive learning speed environment became my version of "a mini real world".

In this mini real world, people were in many different groups. Those whom impacted my youth were The Achievers, The Naughty, The Rich, The Gossipers, The Teachers and The Watchers..

I was suicidal, many mind flashes of the scenes of me jumping off the building where my class was located since I was 13 to 18-year-old, cutting my wrist with a knife, hitting my head to a wall and bleed to death silently, etc. Except the part of me cutting a scar to the back of my hand, I never attempted suicide until I was 20.

I struggled with depression throughout middle and senior school, alone. I tried going to our teachers but most of them were not concern on anything that is non-academic. I went to the school counsellors thrice, she told me she was busy every time and promised a session with me. (I never got any call back until the day I left school) I tried writing it into our weekly journal and our class teacher wrote it in my journal that I was exaggerating.

There was an English teacher whom will call out my name in class and sarcastically mock me for mother spoke to her on the grammar mistake she did in our workbooks. She regularly mock me for having English is not as good as it seemed while persistently compared me to my then good friend, E boy. He used to sleep in class and she would say, "xx, so you think you have good English to fall asleep in class? You look at E boy, he scored 96 so he is entitle to feel tired, you are worthless."

I once skipped 2 classes of mathematics class to file a police report on the sexual disturbance encountered right at the gate of our school. I missed out on how to use a scientific calculator, do differentiation, integration, etc. After alert our class on the incident, I can loudly hear people commenting on my ugliness and size, as to why would anyone want to hurt me.

As the pressure worsen, I would hold father's photo, talk to the photo, pray, cry every night, hoping he will talk to me or send an angel to save me. Fairy tale didn't happen, things got from worse to worst.

An incident where E boy was beaten by Mr P for saying that he is not worth to be my other half. I called Mr P to know why he did that, he said he was angry and he will not let E boy go unless I commit in a relationship with him. I freaked out thus to skip school the next day. Returning to school the following day became my worst nightmare at 16-year-old, E boy was no longer my friend and my class teacher whom I have been pouring my feelings to in my journal, asked me, "Because you don't have a father, you cannot live without a guy?" I daunted, speechless on such question from an unexpected person.

Mother repeated the same thing the class teacher have said after school that day. I had no body to turn to and that led to the new deep cut I have at the back of my hand. I was crushed.

The Naughty laughed at me being fat.

The Rich mocked me for being poor,

The Achievers belittled me for being Chinese but speaks English better than Mandarin and for scoring in my Malay language assessments,

The Gossipers played me down by spreading rumours that I was a drug addict whore and that I have gone through multiple abortions while I was greatly sick due to severe migraine, serious gastric and weak kidneys.

The Watchers are people whom sees what is happening, told me what happened then did nothing.

Irregardless of what group they were, the scar was equally deep and painful. It was so painful that the new deep mini scar I have at the back of my hand meant nothing.

All I wanted was to be a better person each day.

Middle school and high school was no fun for me, I eagerly struggled then see everyone's back every time help was being seek. I skipped my graduation, mother forgot about my graduation and none of my sisters wanted to attend the ceremony. The certificate was collected by my best friend whom didn't know I was struggling with depression for years.

Diagnosed with depression by several counsellors in primary school, I thought I was crazy. The counsellors diligently reassured me, it kept me moving. One of the headmistress kept in touch with me for 18 years(!!!), she was different and this difference saved me. My life then have never seemed to be anything less than adventurous.

A person being different saved me, I hope that I can do the same for someone, some day, some how.

You are the second chance in life.