It is easy to say..

There has been some stressful moments. I made the choice to take up the counter offer of probational promotion and stayed on.

I worked really hard for almost 3 months now, 90 days plan is almost over, some plans gone as planned, some didn't. It was within expectation that some will not go as planned. Great news is my promotion is confirmed, there is only 1 person whom know and now probably the readers of this blog.

I have so much on my mind to let go but there is even more that need my mind on, is it mandatory in the corporate world to overwork the brain for a cause that belonged to others?

Turning 30 last month have been different. I tried to make peace with my past by embracing the fear I had, that's the only way I can be transformed. Maleficient: Mistress of Evil, shared about it is not what makes you, it is what you choose to become. Don't forget who you are.

I tend to forget who I am.

There are many things I said to myself that I will do but I have always pushed it forward to give way to my work, the work that is working towards someone else's cause. I have forgotten what is my cause and I just can't seem to find it now.

10 years ago, I had some simple but impossible goals; I achieved those impossible goals in 9 years, unexpectedly.

Right now I am just busy facing the body weight issue others seems to have on me, the multitasking skill that is assumed to be the reason I should be assisting others if I looked free (gosh I wish they remember I work with my brain not my body), the answer towards when will I be married while they are not interested to pay for my household, the reasoning I need to give when I am late because I am too held up with my brain being occupied while it is not within my control, etc.

Am I supposed to manage these petty chores while a bigger picture is somewhere waiting for me? 

Why am I answerable to them and why do they even bother what I wish to do?

So many questions that is without an answer because I am busy working on someone else's cause and those petty issues or chores to be done.

It is easy to say whatever you feel if you are not going to be responsible to what happened to me afterwards but I am not like you, I am just going to take my time, do my best and go with my own flow.

Growing up is to let the different streams flow until it goes to the river that ends at the sea. I will flow in my stream to the river that will let me end at the ocean, what about you?

Captivated Emotions - School Bully

I registered for a 5KM marathon and decided to - SKIP.

It was not an easy decision merely because no matter what I decide, one of the person in the group will never stop mocking me. It was emotionally important to be away from mocking today, I came across the drama "The 13 reasons" and it hit me so hard that I decided to drop going to the marathon, even though I have looked forward towards it for 2 months plus.

The 13 reasons shared on emotions bullying by the people in Hannah's surrounding and the people whom watched it but did nothing. I couldn't watch it through. I was lack of the courage to confront the past that haunted me for years that still succeed in giving me nightmares shivers and goosebumps, just thinking of it.

I have no idea why I was the center emotion bullying in school, no assured answer on what is its cause, I suspect it was because I had a fairy tale life where I only met the good people, kind people, helpful people, kind worded people and loving people.

We were a poor family, father was a hospital attendant and he was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer when I was 8-year-old. Mother was a housewife for 12 years, she gave in on her career in order to give the best she can to her children; she was forced to start working because father was our only breadwinner and he have gotten too sick.

I didn't know what is cancer when I was first told. I could only recall mother and father going away and coming back a place not near to our city for about 9 months, then we were all taken out of school for several months in order to be temporarily home-schooled in another city while my father go through herbal medication. During the intermittent trips they took in those 9 months, I can still remember father crying and begging mother to let him just die because chemotherapy was too painful for him. I cried quietly for the first time and I kept reminding myself that I need to "man up" in a family of all daughters. Perhaps, hardship seeded in me then, it consumed me and led me to depression at the age of 10 when father passed away. (I didn't have good relationship with my mother, things were better in my mid 20s)

I became extremely rebellious with all the creative drama plot, to meditate for 49 days in the room with only snacks and plain water to feed me, not going to school for my final exam, not completing the hell lot of home work that Chinese primary public school gives, I tried running away and came home because it was too cold outside, etc. All the plots failed.

11-year-old, I was helped by many great people in life while mother worked in another country to make ends meet.

Then, middle school happened, I joined the a Chinese independent school as I wanted to be different among my sisters. They have all attended public school and I often hear sisters sharing on how lack of passion were the teachers in their classes. I was worried that I won't be able to learn as much while I am young so I insisted to attend Chinese independent school.

13-year-old, I thought the world can only be beautiful until the Chinese independent school's environment exposed me to a world of cruel speaking people that talk offensively, care about no body's feeling, gossip rumours that was never confronted nor confirmed, school emotion bullying by teachers and classmates spike like it is the norm, the fast pace of non-adaptive learning speed environment became my version of "a mini real world".

In this mini real world, people were in many different groups. Those whom impacted my youth were The Achievers, The Naughty, The Rich, The Gossipers, The Teachers and The Watchers..

I was suicidal, many mind flashes of the scenes of me jumping off the building where my class was located since I was 13 to 18-year-old, cutting my wrist with a knife, hitting my head to a wall and bleed to death silently, etc. Except the part of me cutting a scar to the back of my hand, I never attempted suicide until I was 20.

I struggled with depression throughout middle and senior school, alone. I tried going to our teachers but most of them were not concern on anything that is non-academic. I went to the school counsellors thrice, she told me she was busy every time and promised a session with me. (I never got any call back until the day I left school) I tried writing it into our weekly journal and our class teacher wrote it in my journal that I was exaggerating.

There was an English teacher whom will call out my name in class and sarcastically mock me for mother spoke to her on the grammar mistake she did in our workbooks. She regularly mock me for having English is not as good as it seemed while persistently compared me to my then good friend, E boy. He used to sleep in class and she would say, "xx, so you think you have good English to fall asleep in class? You look at E boy, he scored 96 so he is entitle to feel tired, you are worthless."

I once skipped 2 classes of mathematics class to file a police report on the sexual disturbance encountered right at the gate of our school. I missed out on how to use a scientific calculator, do differentiation, integration, etc. After alert our class on the incident, I can loudly hear people commenting on my ugliness and size, as to why would anyone want to hurt me.

As the pressure worsen, I would hold father's photo, talk to the photo, pray, cry every night, hoping he will talk to me or send an angel to save me. Fairy tale didn't happen, things got from worse to worst.

An incident where E boy was beaten by Mr P for saying that he is not worth to be my other half. I called Mr P to know why he did that, he said he was angry and he will not let E boy go unless I commit in a relationship with him. I freaked out thus to skip school the next day. Returning to school the following day became my worst nightmare at 16-year-old, E boy was no longer my friend and my class teacher whom I have been pouring my feelings to in my journal, asked me, "Because you don't have a father, you cannot live without a guy?" I daunted, speechless on such question from an unexpected person.

Mother repeated the same thing the class teacher have said after school that day. I had no body to turn to and that led to the new deep cut I have at the back of my hand. I was crushed.

The Naughty laughed at me being fat.

The Rich mocked me for being poor,

The Achievers belittled me for being Chinese but speaks English better than Mandarin and for scoring in my Malay language assessments,

The Gossipers played me down by spreading rumours that I was a drug addict whore and that I have gone through multiple abortions while I was greatly sick due to severe migraine, serious gastric and weak kidneys.

The Watchers are people whom sees what is happening, told me what happened then did nothing.

Irregardless of what group they were, the scar was equally deep and painful. It was so painful that the new deep mini scar I have at the back of my hand meant nothing.

All I wanted was to be a better person each day.

Middle school and high school was no fun for me, I eagerly struggled then see everyone's back every time help was being seek. I skipped my graduation, mother forgot about my graduation and none of my sisters wanted to attend the ceremony. The certificate was collected by my best friend whom didn't know I was struggling with depression for years.

Diagnosed with depression by several counsellors in primary school, I thought I was crazy. The counsellors diligently reassured me, it kept me moving. One of the headmistress kept in touch with me for 18 years(!!!), she was different and this difference saved me. My life then have never seemed to be anything less than adventurous.

A person being different saved me, I hope that I can do the same for someone, some day, some how.

You are the second chance in life.

Follow your own cause

Talent is the least important thing today.

Many times we see people whom are talented but is not as successful as those whom have stayed on.

Staying loyal to a cause that have cost your effort, time and energy doesn't mean that you are not competent to move on, it means that you are committed.

Someone may tell you, you are not going to succeee because of your past. You feel upset and you give up then you see the person whom did not give up while you did, proceed to the next level.

What do you call that? Luck?

I call it persistence.

Persistence is being committed to your cause, trying to achieve your cause using different methods.

There could be many reasons of you being committed but unable to deliver what you have expected to do then you may give up at a point of time.

You believing in you, is being committed to your cause. Have you found your cause?

If yes, are you on the way there?

10 Years in difference

It has been long time since I last posted, I was lost, caught in my own debate against what excites me and what makes me passionate.

10 years ago, I set my target to climb to an assistant manager's position, be out of debt, able to pay for my parents' vacation should they wanted one, own what I wanted but not give up what I needed. They were simple goals but it was what that have driven me for 10 years.

Now I have achieved them and suddenly I am lost. People in their 40s tell me that I should not make goals monetary and that I should have better goals.

How would I have a non-monetary goal if I didn't know where am I heading next?

At this moment, I just want to know:
1. What makes me passionate?
2. How can I make a difference in others' lives?
3. I know I am meant for something bigger, what is that?

Only time will tell and only time can tell.

What should I do?

Have you ever wonder what do you want to do in or meant to accomplished in this life?

I wonder about it all the time, I think about it all the time and I have drafted numerous proposals to push myself to go further and do something, anything! I listed pros and cons about what I wanted and needed, map out the possible consequences on each route to be taken. Checklist of making things happen but nothing seems to work out so far... Because plan is just a dream without action.

While I've been trying to figure myself out, there has been many, too many opportunities approaching me. So many people showing so many presentations, people coming out with some amusing and some confusing financial plans, some forwarding articles of good stuff, suggestions of new products, impressive marketing plans. There is just one too many choices to be choose.

I am uncertained.

Should I continue with my apprenticeship of working with a capable leader that constantly gives me new challenges and new free appreciation (no promotion but have minimal increment) .

Should I go with one of it for the money?

Should I put my life together and work it out piece by piece, slowly?

Should I just be happy and forgo everything then just live a usual life?

Should I just flush all the thoughts into the toilet bowl and do the thing I felt?

I don't have the answer yet. What about you?

Growing Up

I seriously have no idea what was I thinking. Slept at 7am, woke up at 10am to make a call to reschedule my IPL treatment to 5pm then appear there at 4.15pm. Did it earlier and ran (yes I ran!) on a train to the airport.

I was stinking sweat then; supposingly feel frustrated but I felt satisfied, I did not think twice. I was going to meet my sister and her sons whom is flying overseas, to which the next time we meet is undefined.

Over the years, I became gradually careful of my options and decisions at all times. People said it is called growing up, I think it I called normalizing ones' creativity, it is somehow consuming me at the same time. I felt like a right brainer turning into a left brainer and slowly going to be a no brainer.

I can feel the sense of losing myself to the norm of the society especially to do something adhocly has become a choice.

If this is growing up, why was I not warned?
If this is growing up, is creativity the only thing I will be giving up on?
If this is growing up, have I lost more than just my spontaneity and have not realized it?
If this is growing up, will I fail to know myself soon?

I don't have an answer, will I ever have an answer? I really wish I can screw work, buy a ticket, fly anywhere now, think it through there then decide the next step. Well since tomorrow is a working day, I am not getting on a last minute flight anywhere.

Return ticket to my work is the only available option right now. Do you feel the same?

Lost and Found

I have been relatively lost recently, figuring out the next step of my life. I have tried talking to many people but none really can tell me what I should be doing next.

I have been planning many times for long time, thinking during sleepless nights and counting those abstract analysis in order to gauge my next time. 

I love life, I embrace my life and I have been living the 10 years plan I have set. Having it achieved worries me.

I fear I may not know what to do next in life;

I fear I will not have something new to look forward to;

I fear being a nobody at the end of my life in this world;

I fear of being not enough as a daughter, sister, aunt, friend or worker;

I fear the most of being not good enough as a world growth contributor.

What if I have done not enough today to be a better me than yesterday?

I see many people have been doing it their way or the way they wanted me to see it as. When can I be like that?

Little did I know that a gathering I have consistently missed in the last 10 years would bring difference to my life, thoughts and my whereabouts. 

My primary classmates, were people whom I genuinely missed because of how they make me feel when I am around them. They don't judge me, is always subjective and have always let me feel welcomed in the group, although I have missed almost 100% of the gathering in the last 10 years.

They did not judge me.

They were eye openers to me.

They have inspired me to be myself.

They remind me not to rush the clock because of someone else.

They are all diligent people working in their field of expertise.

They have reminded me that I should look out of my desk to be different.

I am grateful and thankful that this bunch of people actually look forward to having a gathering every year, having the effort to make it to the gatherings. I will do my best to attend all the gatherings in future because I know I will be inspired even more.

How much does it cost to keep a memory?

A place I wish to keep in my life, has been sold.

This is the place that I have stayed during my high school time, the place that witness my first love, first time being away from home, first time going on a date, first time raring my own rabbit, first time raring my own fish, first time taking care of an elderly, first time prayed until I cried, the place I spent the most time with an elderly and learned that no matter what happens in life, always look at it differently because everything changes every second.

I received a message informing that the place I grew up in, has been officially sold at the tag price of near to 4 million Ringgits. I do not own it, neither did my direct family have any ownership towards it but it has been sold and it will highly be turned into a commercialized venue since it is situated in the centre of attention in one of the most well known heritage in Malaysia.

Do you know what makes it hurtful?

I have been working really hard for 10 years with the purpose of having to be able to have the capital to keep my memories and buy thing I always wanted to keep. This time round, I couldn't do it because it is too costly, something that I cannot afford.

Making the feeling worse, it was purchased by my former schoolmates whom were at least 1 year younger than me, 4 of them. I wonder what did they do to be able to buy the property so quickly since they graduated much later than me.

It is definitely a mixed feelings because I cannot afford it while those graduated after me can. (Note: I didn't go to university hence started working 4 years earlier than them)

I know many would think that it could be that they are rich or made a fortune or probably struck a lottery to afford it. Have a thought at it, they afford something I couldn't, what is my excuse to still be status quo?

Opportunity knocks on the door

The fisherman's boat sinked and he was hanging on the float he had.

He prayed hard for God to help him. 

A luxurious cruise passed by and offered his a free spot on the ship, he rejected saying he is waiting for God to save him. 

A fishing boat passed by and offered him to be on the boat so that he can have enough of food to eat and warm his body. He rejected saying he is waiting for God to save him. 

A submarine passed by seeing him floating and they offered him to be in the submarine so that he can be sent onshore for proper medical treatment. He refused the offer, saying he rejected saying he is waiting for God to save him. 

A patrolling helicopter passed by and saw him in the middle of the sea. They attempt to save him but he struggled and refused to be on the helicopter, saying he rejected saying he is waiting for God to save him. 

He floated and arrive to an island where it is hosted by its origin and they saved him but he jumped back into the ocean and thought that he is waiting for God to save him.

Yes you guessed it right, he died. When he gone to heaven, he questioned God, why didn't God save him while he have been praying for it.

God told him that He have sent a luxurious cruise, a submarine, a fish boat, an island and a helicopter but the fisherman refused all of it. How can he be the one questioning? 

When was the last time you turn down an opportunity a friend shared with you to earn money because you don't think you have the time, energy,  skill or it is not the opportunity you are praying for?

Ask yourself, is it possible you earn more, gain more, grow more by keep on doing the same thing?

Bill Gates quotes, "if you are born poor, it is not your fault but if you die poor, it is your fault" .

My quote, if you were like that one year ago, it may not be your fault but if you are still like that one year later, whose fault do you think it is?

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Passive Income 2 - Should I charge less for tuition?

Anyone whom have a child in Asia would most probably send their child to a tuition class, it is a type of class on top of the ordinary classes to be attended by any student from primary up (6 to 7-year-old) to secondary (17 to 19-year-old).

Have you ever encountered this situation when you are own a business, a part time or a full time job and your friends or family actually ask you to earn less from them because they think that they are someone in their lives?

While a child attends a tuition class, it is counted by hours. As low as RM20 per hour up to RM50 per hour, depending on the subject to be studied.

An average student goes to tuition 2 days a week, each time 1.5 hours to 2 hours, per subject. During school holidays it can be from 3 days up to 5 days a week, in order to get the students on track during school holidays.

An average tuition teacher gets 5-10 students per class, per 1.5 hours or 2 hours.

Assuming that a student attend tuition 2 days a week, each time 2 hours, per month it will be RM640.
Assuming that a teacher does the same as above and have 7 students, that teacher get RM4,480 per month.

However, there is situation where a tuition teacher have relatives and friends whom thinks that they prefer the "special price" so the tuition teacher have to charge a "discounted" price tuition fee. If there is one in each class, paying at the minimal of RM20 per hour, the teach end up losing RM320 per month.

What would you do if you are asked to provide discount?
Would you still think this is an ideal business?
What if the discount is to make it free?

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Passive Income 1 - Should I share my Referral Fee?

If you have worked in a corporate company, you may heard of referral fee.

So you refer a friend in favour to get them a job at your awesome company then upon their confirmation of employment, you get your cut of referral fee that you deserved. Your friend told you that he/she deserve the cut in half because they were confirmed.

If we were to not give half of the share, we risk of losing a recently confirmed "colleague", a known before friend, would most probably be defamed by a person whom we once called friend, worst part is that we might be the most wanted selfish person because we refused to share and things could go dramatically ugly.

Many I know have encountered this so the easy way out is to unwilling, devastatingly and painstakingly give out the other half.

Will you give is not the question, should you give it?

Answer this:

1. Did your friend get the job before you got yours?

2. Would your friend know about the job before you said so?

3. Can your friend's resume standout in all those resumes in queue for the position offered?

If your answer is no or maybe for all the above, then you should never share it. That person have to be confirmed to keep their job and to get their regular paychecks. You're not the person whom have to determine if this person is to be confirmed, you're not the person that decides to employ this person, most importantly your company is paying this person's salary, not you.

I can share the referral fee but please share with me your every month's salary during probation period because I REFERRED YOU.

Do you have a friend that wish to work part time? Refer them and you get paid.

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What's next for me?

How long and what caused you to start doing something in your life to be someone?

I can't be sure but it is long enough.

I constantly feel like I am struggling to be better but when I look back 10 years from now, I realized that I have grew from having only RM30 in my pocket when I first came to Kuala Lumpur to be able to afford a meal at RM30 (not all the time but yes I can afford it now).

I recall many people telling me that I can do something because I am capable. To be honest, I don't know what they are referring to. I never thought I am capable because it was always what I am tasked to do and all I did was to do it at my level best.

I have been in this city for 7 years, where I had to sleep on our company's floor in a sleeping bag for the first 2 months (my employer never knew it) until I can afford a room in an apartment. Back then, my dream was to afford a tablet, a new mobile phone and an apartment where I can stay in the master bedroom. I learned the word, 'GOAL'.

I changed my job to be working in a call centre where I was able to earn more and learn even more. I started as an executive - senior team - support team - shift supervisor - specialist - assistant manager, in 26 months. I didn't know how but I only knew that I needed to learn as much as I can and do it as well as I can because I wanted the promotion so that I can earn more to cover the debts that my boyfriend by then that have caused me to have. Yes, it was my stupid choice but I sucked it up and live on. After 3.5 years in the same company, I left because my employer wanted me to manipulate a set of data in order to cheat our client. The resignation was impulsive but the intention to leave the job became stronger when I realized that there is a world outside of the job I have been having for 3.5 years. At this point, my goal was to be able to pay a flight ticket for my single mother whom have striven her lifetime for me to be better, whenever she wants it and to become person that is reasonable but will not jeopardize my credibility to keep a job. I learned the word, 'HIERARCHY'.

I changed my job because I wanted to not be asked to manipulate data in order to keep my job, I wanted to give a good working environment, establish indifferent work culture, out of the box working hierarchy and groom leaders than having a working team. I learned how to prepare a decent presentation from some of the best consultants in the industry. I wanted to quit for doing my superior's job 99% of the time but a great manager have managed to keep me by offering me a business process management position at customer experience level. At this point, I have been working here for 2.5 years and I am still learning. I learned the word, 'LEARN'.

The journey has not been easy. I finally realized that I want to be in the customer experience industry and be great at it. I still cannot say I am someone in the industry but I can say this, I am someone because of the words of GOAL, HIERARCHY and LEARN. I need a goal to move on, I need to be someone in the hierarchy to say something that matters and no matter who I am, I can never stop learning to be better.

It is just few months before I am near to 30, I have hit my goals. So, what's next for me in this city?

Create a passive income so huge that if one day I am no longer just an employee, I can still do what I love the most. What about you?

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