Monday, 11 May 2020

2020 - One Hell of a Year

2020 has been one hell of a year.

9th May 2020, I encountered sleeping difficulty while I was extremely tired. While I finally fall asleep, some unease feeling woke me up at 4.55 AM. It just didn't feel right.

I could barely open my eyes but it just feel like the wrong time to sleep. 

6:07 AM, a text rang, "I may be hospitalised". Instantly, I knew this is what kept my body awake.

With the pandemic on the rise, I thought it was Coronavirus. It turns out that my sister had a sudden pain at 3:00 AM, was rushed to the hospital by her friend. She ready herself with everything packed for hospitalization.

With extreme pain, she waited at the medical field for screening of coronavirus, blood test, x-ray, etc, from 4:30 AM to 4:30 PM, alone. My eldest sister, a community coordinator that focuses on neighbourhood well-being and how we can grow to help the community. In order to best deliver her job, she regularly travel and serve different communities across South East Asia. This happen while she away in a city, 9 hours drive from my city and 11 hours drive from home.

Medical Field she waited for 12 hours


Today, she fell sick in her city, alone. The pain was suspected to be appendicitis, she have to wait for 2 more patients before her with the same condition before she can go into a minor surgery to remove the inflamed appendix. After waiting for 12 hours, they told her, she will need to wait till 8:00 PM or 9:00 PM.

Even from afar, I can feel the pain. I don't know what she is encountering but I could feel that it might not end up a minor surgery.

4:50 PM, she informed us that her surgery was expedited by a family friend whom happen to be one of the doctors that rushed the paperwork for my sister and she was going into surgery soon.

6:04 PM, the doctors that palpated my sister's abdomen after she was anesthetized, found a mass on the right side of her abdomen. They decided to cut a bigger incision at her mid-line lower abdomen and will extend it higher if the mass is bigger. My mother whom informed us this, must be really upset because this happened on Mother's day and a day before mother's birthday. Neither one of us dare to tell her the hospitalization news in the morning nor wish her Happy Mother's day on this not so news on a "should be" happy day.

6:59 PM, after inflamed appendix was cut, the specialist team gone in and found my sister to have the important organ enlarged and twisted. The appendix was cut and the important organ were partially cut and sent for histopathology examination. 

7:30 PM, mother was informed that sister's important organ has been partially removed and surgeons are covering her wound up.

8:26 PM, surgery is over. From a 1 hour minor surgery to 3.5 hours of surgery on Mother's day, I didn't dare to ask what happen.

From 4:55 AM to 11:09 PM, her being awake from anesthetic, I couldn't breathe well. I just miss her so much for being a strict sister that have groomed me to be a better person.

I am grateful to have her as my sister to lead the way in life, being selfless to contribute to many different community's growth and to consistently achieve personal excellence in everything she does.

I love you my sister and I hope you have speedy recovery.

Sunday, 12 April 2020

Congratulations?

A day ago, my ex boyfriend posted on his new born baby.

Other than being an ex boyfriend, he is also my debtor. When he needed money, I stupidly (love is blind, they say) took few loans for him and he used me as a source of income for couple years while we were together. I took the loan for a car, paid half of the car and never seen the car or the money again. I never knew what happened to the car or the money.

1 year after we broke up, he was still staying in my house, cooking all the food i bought. Soon I wanted to be dating again, I warned him to leave in a week and never to return to my life again. He left.

It has been 7 years we broke up and I have been keeping up with the debts that he always said he will pay or shall pay but never did. Always with excuses.

I am unhappy he got a baby first while I asked for the break up. Why did we break up in the first place? He was consuming me, physically, mentally and spiritually.

He was an abuser. I used to be imprisoned in the house for 2 years, hidden from the world. My family don't see me unless we ran out of food and ran out of money. He made me go home to "steal" some food.

I was regularly beaten up so badly, I was not able to work. I struggled mentally and attempted suicide for several times. It is true, when you are so badly injured, you won't feel the pain in the cut on the wrist.

Gratefully, I survived those suicidal incidences and made myself a promise that I will leave him, strong as me again.

When I met him, I was only 19. Being in network marketing at that moment, I was earning a happy 5 figures and after being with him, I lost everything. He personally gave his best friend ALL of my savings and capital fund while they spent it on alcohol, clubbing, prostitution and eventually when the money ran out, his friend left.

I planned and I worked diligently according to plan to leave him when he took my last RM50.00 and left me starving, it was 7 days to payout. I almost fainted in the office, my former colleagues gave me milk, bread and some money to survive. I cried terribly and knew I had to change it.

I worked nonstop for 18 hours a day continuously for 3 years and when I began to pick myself up financially and at work, he told me to thank him for making me a better person.

Nothing was uttered, I just smiled. Despite being a leader at work, I was being bullied by a large group of people, some of which I didn't even know until years later. I was being bullied at home, mentally, physically and I know spiritually my soul was dying. I prayed really really hard.

My prayers was answered at the most awful moment of my life. I was given an opportunity to leave the project for a better, bigger project. The opportunist side of me became the dominant and left.

I worked even harder (20 hours a day perhaps?), got into a better relationship, started to have savings, never starved myself for another day.

Chasing the debt for 7 years, listening to him telling me how bad his situation is for the many years and how his wife got pregnant and he is in tension. I frankly don't care because he cannot even afford to pay me back RM1 and he got the balls to tell me, today (yes today) that the money was spent with me.

When we were together, I used to earn 4 times of what his parents send him, monthly. He actually had the balls to tell me he spent on me too.

Instead of congratulating him, I told him that I wish his daughter will know what kind of person he was. How a liar he was about owing a person and lied for wanting to pay; when help was needed, it was given but when money has to be returned, it had to be begged.

He said I cursed him while I should congratulate him.

Everyone in the world can congratulate him but never me because only i went through the hell of being beaten, tortured mentally and walked out of that safely. I forgave him so I forgive myself but I will never forget the scar he left in my life.

Congratulate yourself if you feel you deserve it but I feel nothing other than pitiful to the baby girl born to your care.

How I remind myself to "Live while alive"


Tuesday, 7 April 2020

你饿了吗?

你今天饿了吗?

马来西亚2008年的金融风暴,我当时还是个念书的屁孩,根本不知道什么是金融风暴;如今我即将身在其中。

我有点紧张甚至有点兴奋,这感觉就是个成人礼。原来这就是大人要经历的,原来这就是当时候的大人要面对的。

不一样的是,政府改变了,格局改变了,科技改变了,模式改变了。

这些天的行动管制令,提供了我们反思的时间。多久没有沉淀的心情,多久没有放松的情绪,多久没有平静的日子,开始都有改变了。

这是个自我人生改变的危机时刻。有些人在担心自己的事业,有些人在担心自己的人生,有些人在担心自己的公司,有些人在担心公司如果没了员工何去何从?

这是个大规模的人生转折点,每个人都会经历的异常洗礼。

你饿了吗?你准备好过短暂不开心的日子然后有更好的未来吗?

你饿了吗?你准备好和艰难的日子肩并肩合手迎接更好的未来吗?

你饿了吗?你准备好决定以后是吃草还是吃鱼子酱的日子吗?

你对于你的未来有多饿?

都反思过了还是只是在烦死阶段?

Saturday, 14 March 2020

Live while breathing


I am always intrigued by how others live their lives because I want to know how to make my life matters. My whole life, I have been searching for a meaning, the meaning.

Unsure if this is only me but everyone seems to be doing great in their lives.

I have tried to work up the corporate level, taste of sense of achievement yet I start to feel the emptiness of life, the lack of livelihood and passion driven aggressiveness. I can’t stop to wonder if this is something that happens to everyone.

Life became more and more bulky when it is going into the unknown then one tends to do more and more to get it more meaningful. This leads to living someone else’s dream, someone else’s goal and someone else’s life.

Life is too short to live for someone else.

I took a leap of faith and took 20 days off to Netherlands to meet up with the sister that I didn’t have the best relationship with, together with my mother whom I didn’t have a great relationship. 2 months ago, my sister gave birth to her 3rd child, a baby girl.

Baby was born in a water bath and when I arrived, she was already 2 months old. She only knew how to poo, pee, sleep and cry for milk. Then on the day I left, she can already understand if a person is talking to her, she can recognize me, and she can even suck her thumb to soothe herself.

Once upon a time, that was me. I was so focused and indulged to find the next thing in life to make a tat better. One thing at the time was a thing and a big happiness for my family when they see me doing the next thing they have been longing, there were pure happiness and encouragement.

This will be my focus in life hereon, to live while breathing.



Sunday, 8 December 2019

A Colleague


I am not sure if this reaches to the colleague I am referring, just my blog so…

There is a new colleague at work. His powerful skill at work have intimidated few, I was intimidated too but I was caught up with the failed plans that desperately needed recovery.

He is doing well, I guess. He came to me asking some questions like, “What do you think Salesforce is being used for?” Seriously, I don’t care 100% then, I needed to finish my work.

Agreeing to a disagreement, I would stand my point to agree to disagree or at least share my personal opinion but this time, I just kept quiet to think of my pending work.

He continued to talk for another 15 minutes.

The last time I assumed the new joiner role, it was almost 3.5 years ago. I don’t remember how I was to others. I could not say much, I had to sneak away from my own workstation to finish my work. I was frustrated I had to rush a 27-pager report in 1.5 days, get 3 rounds of proof reading before having it briefed and acknowledged.

I am sorry my new colleague, your question is not my priority. I just wish you gave me a slot to breathe before you gave me even more questions.

I wish you all the best and hopefully you get on your track soon.

Saturday, 26 October 2019

It is easy to say..

There has been some stressful moments. I made the choice to take up the counter offer of probational promotion and stayed on.

I worked really hard for almost 3 months now, 90 days plan is almost over, some plans gone as planned, some didn't. It was within expectation that some will not go as planned. Great news is my promotion is confirmed, there is only 1 person whom know and now probably the readers of this blog.

I have so much on my mind to let go but there is even more that need my mind on, is it mandatory in the corporate world to overwork the brain for a cause that belonged to others?

Turning 30 last month have been different. I tried to make peace with my past by embracing the fear I had, that's the only way I can be transformed. Maleficient: Mistress of Evil, shared about it is not what makes you, it is what you choose to become. Don't forget who you are.

I tend to forget who I am.

There are many things I said to myself that I will do but I have always pushed it forward to give way to my work, the work that is working towards someone else's cause. I have forgotten what is my cause and I just can't seem to find it now.

10 years ago, I had some simple but impossible goals; I achieved those impossible goals in 9 years, unexpectedly.

Right now I am just busy facing the body weight issue others seems to have on me, the multitasking skill that is assumed to be the reason I should be assisting others if I looked free (gosh I wish they remember I work with my brain not my body), the answer towards when will I be married while they are not interested to pay for my household, the reasoning I need to give when I am late because I am too held up with my brain being occupied while it is not within my control, etc.

Am I supposed to manage these petty chores while a bigger picture is somewhere waiting for me? 

Why am I answerable to them and why do they even bother what I wish to do?

So many questions that is without an answer because I am busy working on someone else's cause and those petty issues or chores to be done.

It is easy to say whatever you feel if you are not going to be responsible to what happened to me afterwards but I am not like you, I am just going to take my time, do my best and go with my own flow.

Growing up is to let the different streams flow until it goes to the river that ends at the sea. I will flow in my stream to the river that will let me end at the ocean, what about you?

Sunday, 8 September 2019

Captivated Emotions - School Bully

I registered for a 5KM marathon and decided to - SKIP.

It was not an easy decision merely because no matter what I decide, one of the person in the group will never stop mocking me. It was emotionally important to be away from mocking today, I came across the drama "The 13 reasons" and it hit me so hard that I decided to drop going to the marathon, even though I have looked forward towards it for 2 months plus.

The 13 reasons shared on emotions bullying by the people in Hannah's surrounding and the people whom watched it but did nothing. I couldn't watch it through. I was lack of the courage to confront the past that haunted me for years that still succeed in giving me nightmares shivers and goosebumps, just thinking of it.

I have no idea why I was the center emotion bullying in school, no assured answer on what is its cause, I suspect it was because I had a fairy tale life where I only met the good people, kind people, helpful people, kind worded people and loving people.

We were a poor family, father was a hospital attendant and he was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer when I was 8-year-old. Mother was a housewife for 12 years, she gave in on her career in order to give the best she can to her children; she was forced to start working because father was our only breadwinner and he have gotten too sick.

I didn't know what is cancer when I was first told. I could only recall mother and father going away and coming back a place not near to our city for about 9 months, then we were all taken out of school for several months in order to be temporarily home-schooled in another city while my father go through herbal medication. During the intermittent trips they took in those 9 months, I can still remember father crying and begging mother to let him just die because chemotherapy was too painful for him. I cried quietly for the first time and I kept reminding myself that I need to "man up" in a family of all daughters. Perhaps, hardship seeded in me then, it consumed me and led me to depression at the age of 10 when father passed away. (I didn't have good relationship with my mother, things were better in my mid 20s)

I became extremely rebellious with all the creative drama plot, to meditate for 49 days in the room with only snacks and plain water to feed me, not going to school for my final exam, not completing the hell lot of home work that Chinese primary public school gives, I tried running away and came home because it was too cold outside, etc. All the plots failed.

11-year-old, I was helped by many great people in life while mother worked in another country to make ends meet.

Then, middle school happened, I joined the a Chinese independent school as I wanted to be different among my sisters. They have all attended public school and I often hear sisters sharing on how lack of passion were the teachers in their classes. I was worried that I won't be able to learn as much while I am young so I insisted to attend Chinese independent school.

13-year-old, I thought the world can only be beautiful until the Chinese independent school's environment exposed me to a world of cruel speaking people that talk offensively, care about no body's feeling, gossip rumours that was never confronted nor confirmed, school emotion bullying by teachers and classmates spike like it is the norm, the fast pace of non-adaptive learning speed environment became my version of "a mini real world".

In this mini real world, people were in many different groups. Those whom impacted my youth were The Achievers, The Naughty, The Rich, The Gossipers, The Teachers and The Watchers..

I was suicidal, many mind flashes of the scenes of me jumping off the building where my class was located since I was 13 to 18-year-old, cutting my wrist with a knife, hitting my head to a wall and bleed to death silently, etc. Except the part of me cutting a scar to the back of my hand, I never attempted suicide until I was 20.

I struggled with depression throughout middle and senior school, alone. I tried going to our teachers but most of them were not concern on anything that is non-academic. I went to the school counsellors thrice, she told me she was busy every time and promised a session with me. (I never got any call back until the day I left school) I tried writing it into our weekly journal and our class teacher wrote it in my journal that I was exaggerating.

There was an English teacher whom will call out my name in class and sarcastically mock me for mother spoke to her on the grammar mistake she did in our workbooks. She regularly mock me for having English is not as good as it seemed while persistently compared me to my then good friend, E boy. He used to sleep in class and she would say, "xx, so you think you have good English to fall asleep in class? You look at E boy, he scored 96 so he is entitle to feel tired, you are worthless."

I once skipped 2 classes of mathematics class to file a police report on the sexual disturbance encountered right at the gate of our school. I missed out on how to use a scientific calculator, do differentiation, integration, etc. After alert our class on the incident, I can loudly hear people commenting on my ugliness and size, as to why would anyone want to hurt me.

As the pressure worsen, I would hold father's photo, talk to the photo, pray, cry every night, hoping he will talk to me or send an angel to save me. Fairy tale didn't happen, things got from worse to worst.

An incident where E boy was beaten by Mr P for saying that he is not worth to be my other half. I called Mr P to know why he did that, he said he was angry and he will not let E boy go unless I commit in a relationship with him. I freaked out thus to skip school the next day. Returning to school the following day became my worst nightmare at 16-year-old, E boy was no longer my friend and my class teacher whom I have been pouring my feelings to in my journal, asked me, "Because you don't have a father, you cannot live without a guy?" I daunted, speechless on such question from an unexpected person.

Mother repeated the same thing the class teacher have said after school that day. I had no body to turn to and that led to the new deep cut I have at the back of my hand. I was crushed.

The Naughty laughed at me being fat.

The Rich mocked me for being poor,

The Achievers belittled me for being Chinese but speaks English better than Mandarin and for scoring in my Malay language assessments,

The Gossipers played me down by spreading rumours that I was a drug addict whore and that I have gone through multiple abortions while I was greatly sick due to severe migraine, serious gastric and weak kidneys.

The Watchers are people whom sees what is happening, told me what happened then did nothing.

Irregardless of what group they were, the scar was equally deep and painful. It was so painful that the new deep mini scar I have at the back of my hand meant nothing.

All I wanted was to be a better person each day.

Middle school and high school was no fun for me, I eagerly struggled then see everyone's back every time help was being seek. I skipped my graduation, mother forgot about my graduation and none of my sisters wanted to attend the ceremony. The certificate was collected by my best friend whom didn't know I was struggling with depression for years.

Diagnosed with depression by several counsellors in primary school, I thought I was crazy. The counsellors diligently reassured me, it kept me moving. One of the headmistress kept in touch with me for 18 years(!!!), she was different and this difference saved me. My life then have never seemed to be anything less than adventurous.

A person being different saved me, I hope that I can do the same for someone, some day, some how.

You are the second chance in life.