Saturday, 14 March 2020

Live while breathing

I am always intrigued by how others live their lives because I want to know how to make my life matters. My whole life, I have been searching for a meaning, the meaning.

Unsure if this is only me but everyone seems to be doing great in their lives.

I have tried to work up the corporate level, taste of sense of achievement yet I start to feel the emptiness of life, the lack of livelihood and passion driven aggressiveness. I can’t stop to wonder if this is something that happens to everyone.

Life became more and more bulky when it is going into the unknown then one tends to do more and more to get it more meaningful. This leads to living someone else’s dream, someone else’s goal and someone else’s life.

Life is too short to live for someone else.

I took a leap of faith and took 20 days off to Netherlands to meet up with the sister that I didn’t have the best relationship with, together with my mother whom I didn’t have a great relationship. 2 months ago, my sister gave birth to her 3rd child, a baby girl.

Baby was born in a water bath and when I arrived, she was already 2 months old. She only knew how to poo, pee, sleep and cry for milk. Then on the day I left, she can already understand if a person is talking to her, she can recognize me, and she can even suck her thumb to soothe herself.

Once upon a time, that was me. I was so focused and indulged to find the next thing in life to make a tat better. One thing at the time was a thing and a big happiness for my family when they see me doing the next thing they have been longing, there were pure happiness and encouragement.

This will be my focus in life hereon, to live while breathing.

Sunday, 8 December 2019

A Colleague

I am not sure if this reaches to the colleague I am referring, just my blog so…

There is a new colleague at work. His powerful skill at work have intimidated few, I was intimidated too but I was caught up with the failed plans that desperately needed recovery.

He is doing well, I guess. He came to me asking some questions like, “What do you think Salesforce is being used for?” Seriously, I don’t care 100% then, I needed to finish my work.

Agreeing to a disagreement, I would stand my point to agree to disagree or at least share my personal opinion but this time, I just kept quiet to think of my pending work.

He continued to talk for another 15 minutes.

The last time I assumed the new joiner role, it was almost 3.5 years ago. I don’t remember how I was to others. I could not say much, I had to sneak away from my own workstation to finish my work. I was frustrated I had to rush a 27-pager report in 1.5 days, get 3 rounds of proof reading before having it briefed and acknowledged.

I am sorry my new colleague, your question is not my priority. I just wish you gave me a slot to breathe before you gave me even more questions.

I wish you all the best and hopefully you get on your track soon.

Saturday, 26 October 2019

It is easy to say..

There has been some stressful moments. I made the choice to take up the counter offer of probational promotion and stayed on.

I worked really hard for almost 3 months now, 90 days plan is almost over, some plans gone as planned, some didn't. It was within expectation that some will not go as planned. Great news is my promotion is confirmed, there is only 1 person whom know and now probably the readers of this blog.

I have so much on my mind to let go but there is even more that need my mind on, is it mandatory in the corporate world to overwork the brain for a cause that belonged to others?

Turning 30 last month have been different. I tried to make peace with my past by embracing the fear I had, that's the only way I can be transformed. Maleficient: Mistress of Evil, shared about it is not what makes you, it is what you choose to become. Don't forget who you are.

I tend to forget who I am.

There are many things I said to myself that I will do but I have always pushed it forward to give way to my work, the work that is working towards someone else's cause. I have forgotten what is my cause and I just can't seem to find it now.

10 years ago, I had some simple but impossible goals; I achieved those impossible goals in 9 years, unexpectedly.

Right now I am just busy facing the body weight issue others seems to have on me, the multitasking skill that is assumed to be the reason I should be assisting others if I looked free (gosh I wish they remember I work with my brain not my body), the answer towards when will I be married while they are not interested to pay for my household, the reasoning I need to give when I am late because I am too held up with my brain being occupied while it is not within my control, etc.

Am I supposed to manage these petty chores while a bigger picture is somewhere waiting for me? 

Why am I answerable to them and why do they even bother what I wish to do?

So many questions that is without an answer because I am busy working on someone else's cause and those petty issues or chores to be done.

It is easy to say whatever you feel if you are not going to be responsible to what happened to me afterwards but I am not like you, I am just going to take my time, do my best and go with my own flow.

Growing up is to let the different streams flow until it goes to the river that ends at the sea. I will flow in my stream to the river that will let me end at the ocean, what about you?

Sunday, 8 September 2019

Captivated Emotions - School Bully

I registered for a 5KM marathon and decided to - SKIP.

It was not an easy decision merely because no matter what I decide, one of the person in the group will never stop mocking me. It was emotionally important to be away from mocking today, I came across the drama "The 13 reasons" and it hit me so hard that I decided to drop going to the marathon, even though I have looked forward towards it for 2 months plus.

The 13 reasons shared on emotions bullying by the people in Hannah's surrounding and the people whom watched it but did nothing. I couldn't watch it through. I was lack of the courage to confront the past that haunted me for years that still succeed in giving me nightmares shivers and goosebumps, just thinking of it.

I have no idea why I was the center emotion bullying in school, no assured answer on what is its cause, I suspect it was because I had a fairy tale life where I only met the good people, kind people, helpful people, kind worded people and loving people.

We were a poor family, father was a hospital attendant and he was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer when I was 8-year-old. Mother was a housewife for 12 years, she gave in on her career in order to give the best she can to her children; she was forced to start working because father was our only breadwinner and he have gotten too sick.

I didn't know what is cancer when I was first told. I could only recall mother and father going away and coming back a place not near to our city for about 9 months, then we were all taken out of school for several months in order to be temporarily home-schooled in another city while my father go through herbal medication. During the intermittent trips they took in those 9 months, I can still remember father crying and begging mother to let him just die because chemotherapy was too painful for him. I cried quietly for the first time and I kept reminding myself that I need to "man up" in a family of all daughters. Perhaps, hardship seeded in me then, it consumed me and led me to depression at the age of 10 when father passed away. (I didn't have good relationship with my mother, things were better in my mid 20s)

I became extremely rebellious with all the creative drama plot, to meditate for 49 days in the room with only snacks and plain water to feed me, not going to school for my final exam, not completing the hell lot of home work that Chinese primary public school gives, I tried running away and came home because it was too cold outside, etc. All the plots failed.

11-year-old, I was helped by many great people in life while mother worked in another country to make ends meet.

Then, middle school happened, I joined the a Chinese independent school as I wanted to be different among my sisters. They have all attended public school and I often hear sisters sharing on how lack of passion were the teachers in their classes. I was worried that I won't be able to learn as much while I am young so I insisted to attend Chinese independent school.

13-year-old, I thought the world can only be beautiful until the Chinese independent school's environment exposed me to a world of cruel speaking people that talk offensively, care about no body's feeling, gossip rumours that was never confronted nor confirmed, school emotion bullying by teachers and classmates spike like it is the norm, the fast pace of non-adaptive learning speed environment became my version of "a mini real world".

In this mini real world, people were in many different groups. Those whom impacted my youth were The Achievers, The Naughty, The Rich, The Gossipers, The Teachers and The Watchers..

I was suicidal, many mind flashes of the scenes of me jumping off the building where my class was located since I was 13 to 18-year-old, cutting my wrist with a knife, hitting my head to a wall and bleed to death silently, etc. Except the part of me cutting a scar to the back of my hand, I never attempted suicide until I was 20.

I struggled with depression throughout middle and senior school, alone. I tried going to our teachers but most of them were not concern on anything that is non-academic. I went to the school counsellors thrice, she told me she was busy every time and promised a session with me. (I never got any call back until the day I left school) I tried writing it into our weekly journal and our class teacher wrote it in my journal that I was exaggerating.

There was an English teacher whom will call out my name in class and sarcastically mock me for mother spoke to her on the grammar mistake she did in our workbooks. She regularly mock me for having English is not as good as it seemed while persistently compared me to my then good friend, E boy. He used to sleep in class and she would say, "xx, so you think you have good English to fall asleep in class? You look at E boy, he scored 96 so he is entitle to feel tired, you are worthless."

I once skipped 2 classes of mathematics class to file a police report on the sexual disturbance encountered right at the gate of our school. I missed out on how to use a scientific calculator, do differentiation, integration, etc. After alert our class on the incident, I can loudly hear people commenting on my ugliness and size, as to why would anyone want to hurt me.

As the pressure worsen, I would hold father's photo, talk to the photo, pray, cry every night, hoping he will talk to me or send an angel to save me. Fairy tale didn't happen, things got from worse to worst.

An incident where E boy was beaten by Mr P for saying that he is not worth to be my other half. I called Mr P to know why he did that, he said he was angry and he will not let E boy go unless I commit in a relationship with him. I freaked out thus to skip school the next day. Returning to school the following day became my worst nightmare at 16-year-old, E boy was no longer my friend and my class teacher whom I have been pouring my feelings to in my journal, asked me, "Because you don't have a father, you cannot live without a guy?" I daunted, speechless on such question from an unexpected person.

Mother repeated the same thing the class teacher have said after school that day. I had no body to turn to and that led to the new deep cut I have at the back of my hand. I was crushed.

The Naughty laughed at me being fat.

The Rich mocked me for being poor,

The Achievers belittled me for being Chinese but speaks English better than Mandarin and for scoring in my Malay language assessments,

The Gossipers played me down by spreading rumours that I was a drug addict whore and that I have gone through multiple abortions while I was greatly sick due to severe migraine, serious gastric and weak kidneys.

The Watchers are people whom sees what is happening, told me what happened then did nothing.

Irregardless of what group they were, the scar was equally deep and painful. It was so painful that the new deep mini scar I have at the back of my hand meant nothing.

All I wanted was to be a better person each day.

Middle school and high school was no fun for me, I eagerly struggled then see everyone's back every time help was being seek. I skipped my graduation, mother forgot about my graduation and none of my sisters wanted to attend the ceremony. The certificate was collected by my best friend whom didn't know I was struggling with depression for years.

Diagnosed with depression by several counsellors in primary school, I thought I was crazy. The counsellors diligently reassured me, it kept me moving. One of the headmistress kept in touch with me for 18 years(!!!), she was different and this difference saved me. My life then have never seemed to be anything less than adventurous.

A person being different saved me, I hope that I can do the same for someone, some day, some how.

You are the second chance in life.

Thursday, 22 August 2019

Room to Rent

1) You are irresistibly a rental paid on time housemate?
2) You are looking for cool housemates?
3) You love room temperature and resist aircond?
4) You have a car but enjoy public transport? (I need to tell you, my short legs take only 5 minutes to walk to the nearest LRT)
5) You love good KL view?
6) Most importantly you want to live near but not next door of Sunway Velocity, Aeon Maluri, Tesco Ampang, MyTown Mall, Times Square, Pavillion and KLCC then you don't want to pay a fortune?

If you have 4 yes or more, I got the room for you!

Only RM570, all in for rental, water bill, electricity, 30MBPS Internet, a decent bed, a cupboard in your room.

That's not all, you get to use the Coway water filter we have, the decent sized oven, the fridge, the washing machine, the cooking utensils, the water heater and the freedom to occasionally have 2 or 3 friends over for a chill time.

If these don't impress you, we have a good view of KLCC, KL Tower, TRX, Times Square and when the weather is good, Genting Hill! With this being said, we get to see 180 degree of fireworks on every major public holiday from your room or the balcony. ❤️

With all the great news, I need to tell you, scheduling for viewing is mandatory because the room will only be vacant by mid of September.

I know I am long-winded so that's all and here is a view from our balcony. 

Email me at if you are interested and serious.

Tuesday, 9 July 2019

Good Complainer

Many people around me thinks that I am great in complaining so many of them tend to look for me to prepare their complaint letter.

I am not good at complaining but I am merely better in exclaiming my feelings. In fact, I don't like complaining because I work in customer experience field and I believe that intentional, unnecessary complaints will attract Karma! (I am great fan of Law of Attraction and this implies here!)

Good complaint is irrevelant to get the imposed message addressed. It depends if the customer service field is driving empathy in their core values.

It is never a bad thing to have empathy driven customer service but it can be lethal to company that do not have strictly obligated guidelines.

Imagine you hire a level 2 that handles escalation and he is so empathy, he tends to give every customer what they want. If everyone of them wanted RM100 rebate and there he handles approximately 900 complaints a year, it would be RM90,000. It could be 50% actual empathy and your company lose RM45, 000 for nothing.

How would you prepare and identify a 360 degree empathy guidelines to be adhered in order to have optimal cost control while maximising customer experience?

I will share with you my personal thoughts and ideas of how I plan for customer experience in the next post. 

Thursday, 27 June 2019

My Law of Attraction

I am a strong believer of Law of Attraction!

From KL to Hong Kong, I was so irritated by the person sitting beside me because she kept waking me up with her elbow!

She was not huge in size nor am I crossing her seat line but she is just doing it again and again.

I was terribly irritated and while I woke her up ONCE when she felt asleep to go to the washroom, she woke me up at least for 10 times. No, I was not seating at the aisle seat. I was seating at the window seat (I love views!)

She was not happy but I don't care, I needed the toilet (haha, her karma). So she knew how I felt and suddenly throughout the remaining fight, she no longer elbow her arm on my arm (last 1 hour from 4 hours plus flight). At least she learned to be considerate, I think!

So while I was irritated, I constantly thought I want to get a seat without anyone beside me for my next flight like at the aisle. I had it written down once I have this thought and I was already planning to have my next vacation tickets bought at the aisle.

Law of Attraction happens when you least expected it, my return flight is already equipped with what my mind have attracted.

I got 3 seats for me

It is amazing how the universe works right? This is the fastest law of attraction have worked for me, maybe because it is nearer to heaven.

Do you know what is Law of Attraction and how it works? Let me know what you think of this!