2020 - One Hell of a Year

2020 has been one hell of a year.

9th May 2020, I encountered sleeping difficulty while I was extremely tired. While I finally fall asleep, some unease feeling woke me up at 4.55 AM. It just didn't feel right.

I could barely open my eyes but it just feel like the wrong time to sleep. 

6:07 AM, a text rang, "I may be hospitalised". Instantly, I knew this is what kept my body awake.

With the pandemic on the rise, I thought it was Coronavirus. It turns out that my sister had a sudden pain at 3:00 AM, was rushed to the hospital by her friend. She ready herself with everything packed for hospitalization.

With extreme pain, she waited at the medical field for screening of coronavirus, blood test, x-ray, etc, from 4:30 AM to 4:30 PM, alone. My eldest sister, a community coordinator that focuses on neighbourhood well-being and how we can grow to help the community. In order to best deliver her job, she regularly travel and serve different communities across South East Asia. This happen while she away in a city, 9 hours drive from my city and 11 hours drive from home.

Medical Field she waited for 12 hours

Today, she fell sick in her city, alone. The pain was suspected to be appendicitis, she have to wait for 2 more patients before her with the same condition before she can go into a minor surgery to remove the inflamed appendix. After waiting for 12 hours, they told her, she will need to wait till 8:00 PM or 9:00 PM.

Even from afar, I can feel the pain. I don't know what she is encountering but I could feel that it might not end up a minor surgery.

4:50 PM, she informed us that her surgery was expedited by a family friend whom happen to be one of the doctors that rushed the paperwork for my sister and she was going into surgery soon.

6:04 PM, the doctors that palpated my sister's abdomen after she was anesthetized, found a mass on the right side of her abdomen. They decided to cut a bigger incision at her mid-line lower abdomen and will extend it higher if the mass is bigger. My mother whom informed us this, must be really upset because this happened on Mother's day and a day before mother's birthday. Neither one of us dare to tell her the hospitalization news in the morning nor wish her Happy Mother's day on this not so news on a "should be" happy day.

6:59 PM, after inflamed appendix was cut, the specialist team gone in and found my sister to have the important organ enlarged and twisted. The appendix was cut and the important organ were partially cut and sent for histopathology examination. 

7:30 PM, mother was informed that sister's important organ has been partially removed and surgeons are covering her wound up.

8:26 PM, surgery is over. From a 1 hour minor surgery to 3.5 hours of surgery on Mother's day, I didn't dare to ask what happen.

From 4:55 AM to 11:09 PM, her being awake from anesthetic, I couldn't breathe well. I just miss her so much for being a strict sister that have groomed me to be a better person.

I am grateful to have her as my sister to lead the way in life, being selfless to contribute to many different community's growth and to consistently achieve personal excellence in everything she does.

I love you my sister and I hope you have speedy recovery.

Congratulations?

A day ago, my ex boyfriend posted on his new born baby.

Other than being an ex boyfriend, he is also my debtor. When he needed money, I stupidly (love is blind, they say) took few loans for him and he used me as a source of income for couple years while we were together. I took the loan for a car, paid half of the car and never seen the car or the money again. I never knew what happened to the car or the money.

1 year after we broke up, he was still staying in my house, cooking all the food i bought. Soon I wanted to be dating again, I warned him to leave in a week and never to return to my life again. He left.

It has been 7 years we broke up and I have been keeping up with the debts that he always said he will pay or shall pay but never did. Always with excuses.

I am unhappy he got a baby first while I asked for the break up. Why did we break up in the first place? He was consuming me, physically, mentally and spiritually.

He was an abuser. I used to be imprisoned in the house for 2 years, hidden from the world. My family don't see me unless we ran out of food and ran out of money. He made me go home to "steal" some food.

I was regularly beaten up so badly, I was not able to work. I struggled mentally and attempted suicide for several times. It is true, when you are so badly injured, you won't feel the pain in the cut on the wrist.

Gratefully, I survived those suicidal incidences and made myself a promise that I will leave him, strong as me again.

When I met him, I was only 19. Being in network marketing at that moment, I was earning a happy 5 figures and after being with him, I lost everything. He personally gave his best friend ALL of my savings and capital fund while they spent it on alcohol, clubbing, prostitution and eventually when the money ran out, his friend left.

I planned and I worked diligently according to plan to leave him when he took my last RM50.00 and left me starving, it was 7 days to payout. I almost fainted in the office, my former colleagues gave me milk, bread and some money to survive. I cried terribly and knew I had to change it.

I worked nonstop for 18 hours a day continuously for 3 years and when I began to pick myself up financially and at work, he told me to thank him for making me a better person.

Nothing was uttered, I just smiled. Despite being a leader at work, I was being bullied by a large group of people, some of which I didn't even know until years later. I was being bullied at home, mentally, physically and I know spiritually my soul was dying. I prayed really really hard.

My prayers was answered at the most awful moment of my life. I was given an opportunity to leave the project for a better, bigger project. The opportunist side of me became the dominant and left.

I worked even harder (20 hours a day perhaps?), got into a better relationship, started to have savings, never starved myself for another day.

Chasing the debt for 7 years, listening to him telling me how bad his situation is for the many years and how his wife got pregnant and he is in tension. I frankly don't care because he cannot even afford to pay me back RM1 and he got the balls to tell me, today (yes today) that the money was spent with me.

When we were together, I used to earn 4 times of what his parents send him, monthly. He actually had the balls to tell me he spent on me too.

Instead of congratulating him, I told him that I wish his daughter will know what kind of person he was. How a liar he was about owing a person and lied for wanting to pay; when help was needed, it was given but when money has to be returned, it had to be begged.

He said I cursed him while I should congratulate him.

Everyone in the world can congratulate him but never me because only i went through the hell of being beaten, tortured mentally and walked out of that safely. I forgave him so I forgive myself but I will never forget the scar he left in my life.

Congratulate yourself if you feel you deserve it but I feel nothing other than pitiful to the baby girl born to your care.

How I remind myself to "Live while alive"

A Colleague

I am not sure if this reaches to the colleague I am referring, just my blog so…

There is a new colleague at work. His powerful skill at work have intimidated few, I was intimidated too but I was caught up with the failed plans that desperately needed recovery.

He is doing well, I guess. He came to me asking some questions like, “What do you think Salesforce is being used for?” Seriously, I don’t care 100% then, I needed to finish my work.

Agreeing to a disagreement, I would stand my point to agree to disagree or at least share my personal opinion but this time, I just kept quiet to think of my pending work.

He continued to talk for another 15 minutes.

The last time I assumed the new joiner role, it was almost 3.5 years ago. I don’t remember how I was to others. I could not say much, I had to sneak away from my own workstation to finish my work. I was frustrated I had to rush a 27-pager report in 1.5 days, get 3 rounds of proof reading before having it briefed and acknowledged.

I am sorry my new colleague, your question is not my priority. I just wish you gave me a slot to breathe before you gave me even more questions.

I wish you all the best and hopefully you get on your track soon.

It is easy to say..

There has been some stressful moments. I made the choice to take up the counter offer of probational promotion and stayed on.

I worked really hard for almost 3 months now, 90 days plan is almost over, some plans gone as planned, some didn't. It was within expectation that some will not go as planned. Great news is my promotion is confirmed, there is only 1 person whom know and now probably the readers of this blog.

I have so much on my mind to let go but there is even more that need my mind on, is it mandatory in the corporate world to overwork the brain for a cause that belonged to others?

Turning 30 last month have been different. I tried to make peace with my past by embracing the fear I had, that's the only way I can be transformed. Maleficient: Mistress of Evil, shared about it is not what makes you, it is what you choose to become. Don't forget who you are.

I tend to forget who I am.

There are many things I said to myself that I will do but I have always pushed it forward to give way to my work, the work that is working towards someone else's cause. I have forgotten what is my cause and I just can't seem to find it now.

10 years ago, I had some simple but impossible goals; I achieved those impossible goals in 9 years, unexpectedly.

Right now I am just busy facing the body weight issue others seems to have on me, the multitasking skill that is assumed to be the reason I should be assisting others if I looked free (gosh I wish they remember I work with my brain not my body), the answer towards when will I be married while they are not interested to pay for my household, the reasoning I need to give when I am late because I am too held up with my brain being occupied while it is not within my control, etc.

Am I supposed to manage these petty chores while a bigger picture is somewhere waiting for me? 

Why am I answerable to them and why do they even bother what I wish to do?

So many questions that is without an answer because I am busy working on someone else's cause and those petty issues or chores to be done.

It is easy to say whatever you feel if you are not going to be responsible to what happened to me afterwards but I am not like you, I am just going to take my time, do my best and go with my own flow.

Growing up is to let the different streams flow until it goes to the river that ends at the sea. I will flow in my stream to the river that will let me end at the ocean, what about you?

Follow your own cause

Talent is the least important thing today.

Many times we see people whom are talented but is not as successful as those whom have stayed on.

Staying loyal to a cause that have cost your effort, time and energy doesn't mean that you are not competent to move on, it means that you are committed.

Someone may tell you, you are not going to succeee because of your past. You feel upset and you give up then you see the person whom did not give up while you did, proceed to the next level.

What do you call that? Luck?

I call it persistence.

Persistence is being committed to your cause, trying to achieve your cause using different methods.

There could be many reasons of you being committed but unable to deliver what you have expected to do then you may give up at a point of time.

You believing in you, is being committed to your cause. Have you found your cause?

If yes, are you on the way there?

10 Years in difference

It has been long time since I last posted, I was lost, caught in my own debate against what excites me and what makes me passionate.

10 years ago, I set my target to climb to an assistant manager's position, be out of debt, able to pay for my parents' vacation should they wanted one, own what I wanted but not give up what I needed. They were simple goals but it was what that have driven me for 10 years.

Now I have achieved them and suddenly I am lost. People in their 40s tell me that I should not make goals monetary and that I should have better goals.

How would I have a non-monetary goal if I didn't know where am I heading next?

At this moment, I just want to know:
1. What makes me passionate?
2. How can I make a difference in others' lives?
3. I know I am meant for something bigger, what is that?

Only time will tell and only time can tell.

Lost and Found

I have been relatively lost recently, figuring out the next step of my life. I have tried talking to many people but none really can tell me what I should be doing next.

I have been planning many times for long time, thinking during sleepless nights and counting those abstract analysis in order to gauge my next time. 

I love life, I embrace my life and I have been living the 10 years plan I have set. Having it achieved worries me.

I fear I may not know what to do next in life;

I fear I will not have something new to look forward to;

I fear being a nobody at the end of my life in this world;

I fear of being not enough as a daughter, sister, aunt, friend or worker;

I fear the most of being not good enough as a world growth contributor.

What if I have done not enough today to be a better me than yesterday?

I see many people have been doing it their way or the way they wanted me to see it as. When can I be like that?

Little did I know that a gathering I have consistently missed in the last 10 years would bring difference to my life, thoughts and my whereabouts. 

My primary classmates, were people whom I genuinely missed because of how they make me feel when I am around them. They don't judge me, is always subjective and have always let me feel welcomed in the group, although I have missed almost 100% of the gathering in the last 10 years.

They did not judge me.

They were eye openers to me.

They have inspired me to be myself.

They remind me not to rush the clock because of someone else.

They are all diligent people working in their field of expertise.

They have reminded me that I should look out of my desk to be different.

I am grateful and thankful that this bunch of people actually look forward to having a gathering every year, having the effort to make it to the gatherings. I will do my best to attend all the gatherings in future because I know I will be inspired even more.

How much does it cost to keep a memory?

A place I wish to keep in my life, has been sold.

This is the place that I have stayed during my high school time, the place that witness my first love, first time being away from home, first time going on a date, first time raring my own rabbit, first time raring my own fish, first time taking care of an elderly, first time prayed until I cried, the place I spent the most time with an elderly and learned that no matter what happens in life, always look at it differently because everything changes every second.

I received a message informing that the place I grew up in, has been officially sold at the tag price of near to 4 million Ringgits. I do not own it, neither did my direct family have any ownership towards it but it has been sold and it will highly be turned into a commercialized venue since it is situated in the centre of attention in one of the most well known heritage in Malaysia.

Do you know what makes it hurtful?

I have been working really hard for 10 years with the purpose of having to be able to have the capital to keep my memories and buy thing I always wanted to keep. This time round, I couldn't do it because it is too costly, something that I cannot afford.

Making the feeling worse, it was purchased by my former schoolmates whom were at least 1 year younger than me, 4 of them. I wonder what did they do to be able to buy the property so quickly since they graduated much later than me.

It is definitely a mixed feelings because I cannot afford it while those graduated after me can. (Note: I didn't go to university hence started working 4 years earlier than them)

I know many would think that it could be that they are rich or made a fortune or probably struck a lottery to afford it. Have a thought at it, they afford something I couldn't, what is my excuse to still be status quo?

Opportunity knocks on the door

The fisherman's boat sinked and he was hanging on the float he had.

He prayed hard for God to help him. 

A luxurious cruise passed by and offered his a free spot on the ship, he rejected saying he is waiting for God to save him. 

A fishing boat passed by and offered him to be on the boat so that he can have enough of food to eat and warm his body. He rejected saying he is waiting for God to save him. 

A submarine passed by seeing him floating and they offered him to be in the submarine so that he can be sent onshore for proper medical treatment. He refused the offer, saying he rejected saying he is waiting for God to save him. 

A patrolling helicopter passed by and saw him in the middle of the sea. They attempt to save him but he struggled and refused to be on the helicopter, saying he rejected saying he is waiting for God to save him. 

He floated and arrive to an island where it is hosted by its origin and they saved him but he jumped back into the ocean and thought that he is waiting for God to save him.

Yes you guessed it right, he died. When he gone to heaven, he questioned God, why didn't God save him while he have been praying for it.

God told him that He have sent a luxurious cruise, a submarine, a fish boat, an island and a helicopter but the fisherman refused all of it. How can he be the one questioning? 

When was the last time you turn down an opportunity a friend shared with you to earn money because you don't think you have the time, energy,  skill or it is not the opportunity you are praying for?

Ask yourself, is it possible you earn more, gain more, grow more by keep on doing the same thing?

Bill Gates quotes, "if you are born poor, it is not your fault but if you die poor, it is your fault" .

My quote, if you were like that one year ago, it may not be your fault but if you are still like that one year later, whose fault do you think it is?

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Passive Income 2 - Should I charge less for tuition?

Anyone whom have a child in Asia would most probably send their child to a tuition class, it is a type of class on top of the ordinary classes to be attended by any student from primary up (6 to 7-year-old) to secondary (17 to 19-year-old).

Have you ever encountered this situation when you are own a business, a part time or a full time job and your friends or family actually ask you to earn less from them because they think that they are someone in their lives?

While a child attends a tuition class, it is counted by hours. As low as RM20 per hour up to RM50 per hour, depending on the subject to be studied.

An average student goes to tuition 2 days a week, each time 1.5 hours to 2 hours, per subject. During school holidays it can be from 3 days up to 5 days a week, in order to get the students on track during school holidays.

An average tuition teacher gets 5-10 students per class, per 1.5 hours or 2 hours.

Assuming that a student attend tuition 2 days a week, each time 2 hours, per month it will be RM640.
Assuming that a teacher does the same as above and have 7 students, that teacher get RM4,480 per month.

However, there is situation where a tuition teacher have relatives and friends whom thinks that they prefer the "special price" so the tuition teacher have to charge a "discounted" price tuition fee. If there is one in each class, paying at the minimal of RM20 per hour, the teach end up losing RM320 per month.

What would you do if you are asked to provide discount?
Would you still think this is an ideal business?
What if the discount is to make it free?

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Passive Income 1 - Should I share my Referral Fee?

If you have worked in a corporate company, you may heard of referral fee.

So you refer a friend in favour to get them a job at your awesome company then upon their confirmation of employment, you get your cut of referral fee that you deserved. Your friend told you that he/she deserve the cut in half because they were confirmed.

If we were to not give half of the share, we risk of losing a recently confirmed "colleague", a known before friend, would most probably be defamed by a person whom we once called friend, worst part is that we might be the most wanted selfish person because we refused to share and things could go dramatically ugly.

Many I know have encountered this so the easy way out is to unwilling, devastatingly and painstakingly give out the other half.

Will you give is not the question, should you give it?

Answer this:

1. Did your friend get the job before you got yours?

2. Would your friend know about the job before you said so?

3. Can your friend's resume standout in all those resumes in queue for the position offered?

If your answer is no or maybe for all the above, then you should never share it. That person have to be confirmed to keep their job and to get their regular paychecks. You're not the person whom have to determine if this person is to be confirmed, you're not the person that decides to employ this person, most importantly your company is paying this person's salary, not you.

I can share the referral fee but please share with me your every month's salary during probation period because I REFERRED YOU.

Do you have a friend that wish to work part time? Refer them and you get paid.

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What's next for me?

How long and what caused you to start doing something in your life to be someone?

I can't be sure but it is long enough.

I constantly feel like I am struggling to be better but when I look back 10 years from now, I realized that I have grew from having only RM30 in my pocket when I first came to Kuala Lumpur to be able to afford a meal at RM30 (not all the time but yes I can afford it now).

I recall many people telling me that I can do something because I am capable. To be honest, I don't know what they are referring to. I never thought I am capable because it was always what I am tasked to do and all I did was to do it at my level best.

I have been in this city for 7 years, where I had to sleep on our company's floor in a sleeping bag for the first 2 months (my employer never knew it) until I can afford a room in an apartment. Back then, my dream was to afford a tablet, a new mobile phone and an apartment where I can stay in the master bedroom. I learned the word, 'GOAL'.

I changed my job to be working in a call centre where I was able to earn more and learn even more. I started as an executive - senior team - support team - shift supervisor - specialist - assistant manager, in 26 months. I didn't know how but I only knew that I needed to learn as much as I can and do it as well as I can because I wanted the promotion so that I can earn more to cover the debts that my boyfriend by then that have caused me to have. Yes, it was my stupid choice but I sucked it up and live on. After 3.5 years in the same company, I left because my employer wanted me to manipulate a set of data in order to cheat our client. The resignation was impulsive but the intention to leave the job became stronger when I realized that there is a world outside of the job I have been having for 3.5 years. At this point, my goal was to be able to pay a flight ticket for my single mother whom have striven her lifetime for me to be better, whenever she wants it and to become person that is reasonable but will not jeopardize my credibility to keep a job. I learned the word, 'HIERARCHY'.

I changed my job because I wanted to not be asked to manipulate data in order to keep my job, I wanted to give a good working environment, establish indifferent work culture, out of the box working hierarchy and groom leaders than having a working team. I learned how to prepare a decent presentation from some of the best consultants in the industry. I wanted to quit for doing my superior's job 99% of the time but a great manager have managed to keep me by offering me a business process management position at customer experience level. At this point, I have been working here for 2.5 years and I am still learning. I learned the word, 'LEARN'.

The journey has not been easy. I finally realized that I want to be in the customer experience industry and be great at it. I still cannot say I am someone in the industry but I can say this, I am someone because of the words of GOAL, HIERARCHY and LEARN. I need a goal to move on, I need to be someone in the hierarchy to say something that matters and no matter who I am, I can never stop learning to be better.

It is just few months before I am near to 30, I have hit my goals. So, what's next for me in this city?

Create a passive income so huge that if one day I am no longer just an employee, I can still do what I love the most. What about you?

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