Saturday, 26 October 2019

It is easy to say..

There has been some stressful moments. I made the choice to take up the counter offer of probational promotion and stayed on.

I worked really hard for almost 3 months now, 90 days plan is almost over, some plans gone as planned, some didn't. It was within expectation that some will not go as planned. Great news is my promotion is confirmed, there is only 1 person whom know and now probably the readers of this blog.

I have so much on my mind to let go but there is even more that need my mind on, is it mandatory in the corporate world to overwork the brain for a cause that belonged to others?

Turning 30 last month have been different. I tried to make peace with my past by embracing the fear I had, that's the only way I can be transformed. Maleficient: Mistress of Evil, shared about it is not what makes you, it is what you choose to become. Don't forget who you are.

I tend to forget who I am.

There are many things I said to myself that I will do but I have always pushed it forward to give way to my work, the work that is working towards someone else's cause. I have forgotten what is my cause and I just can't seem to find it now.

10 years ago, I had some simple but impossible goals; I achieved those impossible goals in 9 years, unexpectedly.

Right now I am just busy facing the body weight issue others seems to have on me, the multitasking skill that is assumed to be the reason I should be assisting others if I looked free (gosh I wish they remember I work with my brain not my body), the answer towards when will I be married while they are not interested to pay for my household, the reasoning I need to give when I am late because I am too held up with my brain being occupied while it is not within my control, etc.

Am I supposed to manage these petty chores while a bigger picture is somewhere waiting for me? 

Why am I answerable to them and why do they even bother what I wish to do?

So many questions that is without an answer because I am busy working on someone else's cause and those petty issues or chores to be done.

It is easy to say whatever you feel if you are not going to be responsible to what happened to me afterwards but I am not like you, I am just going to take my time, do my best and go with my own flow.

Growing up is to let the different streams flow until it goes to the river that ends at the sea. I will flow in my stream to the river that will let me end at the ocean, what about you?

Sunday, 8 September 2019

Captivated Emotions - School Bully

I registered for a 5KM marathon and decided to - SKIP.

It was not an easy decision merely because no matter what I decide, one of the person in the group will never stop mocking me. It was emotionally important to be away from mocking today, I came across the drama "The 13 reasons" and it hit me so hard that I decided to drop going to the marathon, even though I have looked forward towards it for 2 months plus.

The 13 reasons shared on emotions bullying by the people in Hannah's surrounding and the people whom watched it but did nothing. I couldn't watch it through. I was lack of the courage to confront the past that haunted me for years that still succeed in giving me nightmares shivers and goosebumps, just thinking of it.

I have no idea why I was the center emotion bullying in school, no assured answer on what is its cause, I suspect it was because I had a fairy tale life where I only met the good people, kind people, helpful people, kind worded people and loving people.

We were a poor family, father was a hospital attendant and he was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer when I was 8-year-old. Mother was a housewife for 12 years, she gave in on her career in order to give the best she can to her children; she was forced to start working because father was our only breadwinner and he have gotten too sick.

I didn't know what is cancer when I was first told. I could only recall mother and father going away and coming back a place not near to our city for about 9 months, then we were all taken out of school for several months in order to be temporarily home-schooled in another city while my father go through herbal medication. During the intermittent trips they took in those 9 months, I can still remember father crying and begging mother to let him just die because chemotherapy was too painful for him. I cried quietly for the first time and I kept reminding myself that I need to "man up" in a family of all daughters. Perhaps, hardship seeded in me then, it consumed me and led me to depression at the age of 10 when father passed away. (I didn't have good relationship with my mother, things were better in my mid 20s)

I became extremely rebellious with all the creative drama plot, to meditate for 49 days in the room with only snacks and plain water to feed me, not going to school for my final exam, not completing the hell lot of home work that Chinese primary public school gives, I tried running away and came home because it was too cold outside, etc. All the plots failed.

11-year-old, I was helped by many great people in life while mother worked in another country to make ends meet.

Then, middle school happened, I joined the a Chinese independent school as I wanted to be different among my sisters. They have all attended public school and I often hear sisters sharing on how lack of passion were the teachers in their classes. I was worried that I won't be able to learn as much while I am young so I insisted to attend Chinese independent school.

13-year-old, I thought the world can only be beautiful until the Chinese independent school's environment exposed me to a world of cruel speaking people that talk offensively, care about no body's feeling, gossip rumours that was never confronted nor confirmed, school emotion bullying by teachers and classmates spike like it is the norm, the fast pace of non-adaptive learning speed environment became my version of "a mini real world".

In this mini real world, people were in many different groups. Those whom impacted my youth were The Achievers, The Naughty, The Rich, The Gossipers, The Teachers and The Watchers..

I was suicidal, many mind flashes of the scenes of me jumping off the building where my class was located since I was 13 to 18-year-old, cutting my wrist with a knife, hitting my head to a wall and bleed to death silently, etc. Except the part of me cutting a scar to the back of my hand, I never attempted suicide until I was 20.

I struggled with depression throughout middle and senior school, alone. I tried going to our teachers but most of them were not concern on anything that is non-academic. I went to the school counsellors thrice, she told me she was busy every time and promised a session with me. (I never got any call back until the day I left school) I tried writing it into our weekly journal and our class teacher wrote it in my journal that I was exaggerating.

There was an English teacher whom will call out my name in class and sarcastically mock me for mother spoke to her on the grammar mistake she did in our workbooks. She regularly mock me for having English is not as good as it seemed while persistently compared me to my then good friend, E boy. He used to sleep in class and she would say, "xx, so you think you have good English to fall asleep in class? You look at E boy, he scored 96 so he is entitle to feel tired, you are worthless."

I once skipped 2 classes of mathematics class to file a police report on the sexual disturbance encountered right at the gate of our school. I missed out on how to use a scientific calculator, do differentiation, integration, etc. After alert our class on the incident, I can loudly hear people commenting on my ugliness and size, as to why would anyone want to hurt me.

As the pressure worsen, I would hold father's photo, talk to the photo, pray, cry every night, hoping he will talk to me or send an angel to save me. Fairy tale didn't happen, things got from worse to worst.

An incident where E boy was beaten by Mr P for saying that he is not worth to be my other half. I called Mr P to know why he did that, he said he was angry and he will not let E boy go unless I commit in a relationship with him. I freaked out thus to skip school the next day. Returning to school the following day became my worst nightmare at 16-year-old, E boy was no longer my friend and my class teacher whom I have been pouring my feelings to in my journal, asked me, "Because you don't have a father, you cannot live without a guy?" I daunted, speechless on such question from an unexpected person.

Mother repeated the same thing the class teacher have said after school that day. I had no body to turn to and that led to the new deep cut I have at the back of my hand. I was crushed.

The Naughty laughed at me being fat.

The Rich mocked me for being poor,

The Achievers belittled me for being Chinese but speaks English better than Mandarin and for scoring in my Malay language assessments,

The Gossipers played me down by spreading rumours that I was a drug addict whore and that I have gone through multiple abortions while I was greatly sick due to severe migraine, serious gastric and weak kidneys.

The Watchers are people whom sees what is happening, told me what happened then did nothing.

Irregardless of what group they were, the scar was equally deep and painful. It was so painful that the new deep mini scar I have at the back of my hand meant nothing.

All I wanted was to be a better person each day.

Middle school and high school was no fun for me, I eagerly struggled then see everyone's back every time help was being seek. I skipped my graduation, mother forgot about my graduation and none of my sisters wanted to attend the ceremony. The certificate was collected by my best friend whom didn't know I was struggling with depression for years.

Diagnosed with depression by several counsellors in primary school, I thought I was crazy. The counsellors diligently reassured me, it kept me moving. One of the headmistress kept in touch with me for 18 years(!!!), she was different and this difference saved me. My life then have never seemed to be anything less than adventurous.

A person being different saved me, I hope that I can do the same for someone, some day, some how.

You are the second chance in life.

Thursday, 22 August 2019

Room to Rent


1) You are irresistibly a rental paid on time housemate?
2) You are looking for cool housemates?
3) You love room temperature and resist aircond?
4) You have a car but enjoy public transport? (I need to tell you, my short legs take only 5 minutes to walk to the nearest LRT)
5) You love good KL view?
6) Most importantly you want to live near but not next door of Sunway Velocity, Aeon Maluri, Tesco Ampang, MyTown Mall, Times Square, Pavillion and KLCC then you don't want to pay a fortune?

If you have 4 yes or more, I got the room for you!

Only RM570, all in for rental, water bill, electricity, 30MBPS Internet, a decent bed, a cupboard in your room.

That's not all, you get to use the Coway water filter we have, the decent sized oven, the fridge, the washing machine, the cooking utensils, the water heater and the freedom to occasionally have 2 or 3 friends over for a chill time.

If these don't impress you, we have a good view of KLCC, KL Tower, TRX, Times Square and when the weather is good, Genting Hill! With this being said, we get to see 180 degree of fireworks on every major public holiday from your room or the balcony. ❤️

With all the great news, I need to tell you, scheduling for viewing is mandatory because the room will only be vacant by mid of September.

I know I am long-winded so that's all and here is a view from our balcony. 


Email me at suling0923@gmail.com if you are interested and serious.

Tuesday, 9 July 2019

Good Complainer

Many people around me thinks that I am great in complaining so many of them tend to look for me to prepare their complaint letter.

I am not good at complaining but I am merely better in exclaiming my feelings. In fact, I don't like complaining because I work in customer experience field and I believe that intentional, unnecessary complaints will attract Karma! (I am great fan of Law of Attraction and this implies here!)

Good complaint is irrevelant to get the imposed message addressed. It depends if the customer service field is driving empathy in their core values.

It is never a bad thing to have empathy driven customer service but it can be lethal to company that do not have strictly obligated guidelines.

Imagine you hire a level 2 that handles escalation and he is so empathy, he tends to give every customer what they want. If everyone of them wanted RM100 rebate and there he handles approximately 900 complaints a year, it would be RM90,000. It could be 50% actual empathy and your company lose RM45, 000 for nothing.

How would you prepare and identify a 360 degree empathy guidelines to be adhered in order to have optimal cost control while maximising customer experience?

I will share with you my personal thoughts and ideas of how I plan for customer experience in the next post. 

Thursday, 27 June 2019

My Law of Attraction

I am a strong believer of Law of Attraction!

From KL to Hong Kong, I was so irritated by the person sitting beside me because she kept waking me up with her elbow!

She was not huge in size nor am I crossing her seat line but she is just doing it again and again.

I was terribly irritated and while I woke her up ONCE when she felt asleep to go to the washroom, she woke me up at least for 10 times. No, I was not seating at the aisle seat. I was seating at the window seat (I love views!)

She was not happy but I don't care, I needed the toilet (haha, her karma). So she knew how I felt and suddenly throughout the remaining fight, she no longer elbow her arm on my arm (last 1 hour from 4 hours plus flight). At least she learned to be considerate, I think!

So while I was irritated, I constantly thought I want to get a seat without anyone beside me for my next flight like at the aisle. I had it written down once I have this thought and I was already planning to have my next vacation tickets bought at the aisle.

Law of Attraction happens when you least expected it, my return flight is already equipped with what my mind have attracted.

I got 3 seats for me

It is amazing how the universe works right? This is the fastest law of attraction have worked for me, maybe because it is nearer to heaven.

Do you know what is Law of Attraction and how it works? Let me know what you think of this!

Monday, 24 June 2019

Follow your own cause


Talent is the least important thing today.

Many times we see people whom are talented but is not as successful as those whom have stayed on.

Staying loyal to a cause that have cost your effort, time and energy doesn't mean that you are not competent to move on, it means that you are committed.

Someone may tell you, you are not going to succeee because of your past. You feel upset and you give up then you see the person whom did not give up while you did, proceed to the next level.

What do you call that? Luck?

I call it persistence.

Persistence is being committed to your cause, trying to achieve your cause using different methods.

There could be many reasons of you being committed but unable to deliver what you have expected to do then you may give up at a point of time.

You believing in you, is being committed to your cause. Have you found your cause?

If yes, are you on the way there?


Monday, 10 June 2019

10 Years in difference

It has been long time since I last posted, I was lost, caught in my own debate against what excites me and what makes me passionate.

10 years ago, I set my target to climb to an assistant manager's position, be out of debt, able to pay for my parents' vacation should they wanted one, own what I wanted but not give up what I needed. They were simple goals but it was what that have driven me for 10 years.

Now I have achieved them and suddenly I am lost. People in their 40s tell me that I should not make goals monetary and that I should have better goals.

How would I have a non-monetary goal if I didn't know where am I heading next?

At this moment, I just want to know:
1. What makes me passionate?
2. How can I make a difference in others' lives?
3. I know I am meant for something bigger, what is that?

Only time will tell and only time can tell.

Monday, 29 April 2019

Advengers: Endgame - What does it mean?

Watching Advengers: Endgame created a new scenery in the whole Social Media. It all started 11 years ago and it changed everyone that was involved.

My personal favourite has been Iron Man - Tony Stark. Not because he is a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist but the sincerity, dedication and commitment the actor Robert Downey Jr. have demonstrated in the movie series.

An actor can only be at his best to touch the audience when he is the character he acted. He gave in his heart and soul to be the character best and that was also the character that defined him as an actor.

It was the time he decided to change his life that his life became different.
It was the time he decided to stay drug free and alcohol free that he became different.
It was the time he decided to be a good husband, a good actor and just himself that made him different.
It was the time he decided to let time be the best judge to witness the change progress that have made him different.

We all have struggles, we all have past but what we think and do is what made us different.

Celebrities and sport stars are people we look up to, not because they are living a glamorous life. They are looked up upon because of their willingness to sacrifice, their dedication to their life goal, their focus on the endgame and their persistence in coping with difficulties incurred.

Will your endgame be a new start or just the endgame?

Monday, 15 April 2019

Why do I need to be fit?


Isn't it an interesting topic that baffles many? 

Some feels that we should not lose weight because it is body shaming to do so when others say that while mos of us may have funny reasons to do some, following are a compilation of reasons I have encountered from people whom wanted to lose weight and have successfully lost weight's reasons:

1) Higher chance to survive during disaster
One of my trainee absolutely believes that if he is fitter, he can run faster during a disaster hence being fitter can let him have higher chance to survive! 

2) Look good in photo
One of the trainee was struggling with low self esteem as she had a hard time looking at those weight gained while she gotten sick and couldn't exercise. With that, she hated herself in photos so she took charge and lost whopping 26kgs just so she can look thinner in the photo any of her friends or family snapped 📸

3) Lesser time spent for good photos
Another interesting trainer got tired of editing his photo to look good so that he can tell interesting stories when he is 90, got fitter so that he won't need to spend hours for good photos! (Well, who want to look bad in their memories right?) 
4) Fit in the wanted
One lady spent hundred on clothes ðŸ‘™ðŸ‘—💥 that she couldn't fit in and was laughed at by her husband, she ended up losing weight, got fitter and spent even more on clothes! (For a great reason!) 

5) Glamorous!! The need to have the body people envy so one can be the glam have become a social norm, the great news of wanting to be fit to be glamourous is so much healthier than wanting to be going through knives or technology to be glamorous! I would at least thank Avengers for sending the right messages!!

6) Physically Fit
One of the lady trainee was often down with fever, flu and cough, she got fed up of medicine so decided to take a turn on fitness by changing her food diet first then added on exercise. 

She just wanted to do what she was passionate about, going out with others without worrying on what to not be eaten to avoid cough, flu or fever. Nowadays, she just use portion control to enjoy everything she loved! 
With people losing weight and some still ponder on "why can't I lose weight?" 
A. No time
B. Don't know what to do or where to start
C. Body reflect too slowly (😏lazy)
D. Actual procrastination
E. Any reason to not lose weight now.. 

One just need 1 reason to move or 1 reason to not move, whatever the reason is, you are right. Only your reason can determine your persistency towards the outcome.

Clock is ticking, if we don't start to enjoy now, when will we?!

Friday, 1 March 2019

What should I do?

Have you ever wonder what do you want to do in or meant to accomplished in this life?

I wonder about it all the time, I think about it all the time and I have drafted numerous proposals to push myself to go further and do something, anything! I listed pros and cons about what I wanted and needed, map out the possible consequences on each route to be taken. Checklist of making things happen but nothing seems to work out so far... Because plan is just a dream without action.

While I've been trying to figure myself out, there has been many, too many opportunities approaching me. So many people showing so many presentations, people coming out with some amusing and some confusing financial plans, some forwarding articles of good stuff, suggestions of new products, impressive marketing plans. There is just one too many choices to be choose.

I am uncertained.

Should I continue with my apprenticeship of working with a capable leader that constantly gives me new challenges and new free appreciation (no promotion but have minimal increment) .

Should I go with one of it for the money?

Should I put my life together and work it out piece by piece, slowly?

Should I just be happy and forgo everything then just live a usual life?

Should I just flush all the thoughts into the toilet bowl and do the thing I felt?

I don't have the answer yet. What about you?

Thursday, 28 February 2019

Growing Up


I seriously have no idea what was I thinking. Slept at 7am, woke up at 10am to make a call to reschedule my IPL treatment to 5pm then appear there at 4.15pm. Did it earlier and ran (yes I ran!) on a train to the airport.

I was stinking sweat then; supposingly feel frustrated but I felt satisfied, I did not think twice. I was going to meet my sister and her sons whom is flying overseas, to which the next time we meet is undefined.

Over the years, I became gradually careful of my options and decisions at all times. People said it is called growing up, I think it I called normalizing ones' creativity, it is somehow consuming me at the same time. I felt like a right brainer turning into a left brainer and slowly going to be a no brainer.

I can feel the sense of losing myself to the norm of the society especially to do something adhocly has become a choice.

If this is growing up, why was I not warned?
If this is growing up, is creativity the only thing I will be giving up on?
If this is growing up, have I lost more than just my spontaneity and have not realized it?
If this is growing up, will I fail to know myself soon?

I don't have an answer, will I ever have an answer? I really wish I can screw work, buy a ticket, fly anywhere now, think it through there then decide the next step. Well since tomorrow is a working day, I am not getting on a last minute flight anywhere.

Return ticket to my work is the only available option right now. Do you feel the same?



Sunday, 24 February 2019

The Right Person

Do you know who is the right person for you in your life?

I used to think that I will not find the right person for me in my life and I have been struggling to feel happy and secured.

Maybe it is age factor or maybe because I have been through a lot hence recently I felt that finding the right person is not finding the person you want but it's about finding the person that can let you become the person you should be becoming, making me more of the person that will love life, becoming the person that enjoy life, becoming the person that will feel satisfied and will never ever hate being alive.

I met (and left) this guy whom I was with for 5 years, someone I wanted to have in my life. He treated me well in the first few months then he became really controlling until an extend he beat me and kept me in the house for 2 years. I couldn't explain why I sucked it up back then but I eventually came to my conscience and worked my way out of his sight. I was kept away from his family for 5 years, earned and spent all my money, took up bank loans on his behalf, lost all my savings, got trouble in my first business attempt and I couldn't work because he regularly came to harass me at my work place.

I wouldn't thank him for who I am today because with or without him, I would live another day without scar on my body, heart and mind. Everything happened for a reason and I am grateful I lived that through.

On another occasion, I am currently dating a guy whom I never thought I would be with. He was boring (now not that boring), blunt and most of the time seemed cold to me. Me being a talkative, outgoing and passionate person, we didn't connect quite well. There were numerous ups and downs but he sticked around really tightly, we grew together.

What made me really sure about him being in my life for the longest of time is the fact that he loves my family and his family the same way, although we are still just dating. He cares for my sister and mother's well being without being asked. He constantly reminds me of going back to home and let me be myself.

He used to piss me of by trying to talk me into his way but upon confrontation of the situation, he respect my choice and I learned to respect his choice too.

A side note, he used to be very calculative about money, I was a person whom don't think when I spend (I am not in debt); we changed. He taught me how to save and I taught him how to spend well, I can say that we have stable financial now because we were so different in handling our financial thus benefited us by being balanced! This will be shared on how in another post.

The point I wish to say is that, it don't really matter who you want to have in your life but the person you need in your life, to be a better version of you. I am thankful and grateful to be able to meet this loyal person  whom have made me a better person along the way.

Are you currently seeing the person you never thought you wanted but just happened to be the one that you need?

Tuesday, 19 February 2019

Lost and Found


I have been relatively lost recently, figuring out the next step of my life. I have tried talking to many people but none really can tell me what I should be doing next.

I have been planning many times for long time, thinking during sleepless nights and counting those abstract analysis in order to gauge my next time. 

I love life, I embrace my life and I have been living the 10 years plan I have set. Having it achieved worries me.

I fear I may not know what to do next in life;
I fear I will not have something new to look forward to;
I fear being a nobody at the end of my life in this world;
I fear of being not enough as a daughter, sister, aunt, friend or worker;
I fear the most of being not good enough as a world growth contributor.

What if I have done not enough today to be a better me than yesterday?

I see many people have been doing it their way or the way they wanted me to see it as. When can I be like that?

Little did I know that a gathering I have consistently missed in the last 10 years would bring difference to my life, thoughts and my whereabouts. 

My primary classmates, were people whom I genuinely missed because of how they make me feel when I am around them. They don't judge me, is always subjective and have always let me feel welcomed in the group, although I have missed almost 100% of the gathering in the last 10 years.

They did not judge me.
They were eye openers to me.
They have inspired me to be myself.
They remind me not to rush the clock because of someone else.
They are all diligent people working in their field of expertise.
They have reminded me that I should look out of my desk to be different.

I am grateful and thankful that this bunch of people actually look forward to having a gathering every year, having the effort to make it to the gatherings. I will do my best to attend all the gatherings in future because I know I will be inspired even more.



Wednesday, 16 January 2019

团圆饭

我13岁就读于独立中心,这所学校是我自己选择去的。课业繁忙但是学校坚持我们必须要尽量品学兼优所以会让户外活动,各个科目和运动作为我们的成绩指标。上学的时候,我们每天都会在各班级轮流派出的代表带领下,阅读我觉得对我影响甚远的弟子规,论语,大学之道等。

每年我最期待的就是新年做的班级布置,一个我自己会偷偷保留的传统。保留就是为了让自己的回忆更新,哪怕自己一人也要坚持。

2019已经过了半个月,每天都在忙碌。我真不知道自己的忙碌点是什么,什么才是我想活的样子。

每年过完新年,我最期待就是农历新年的团圆饭!只可惜我的家人不觉得团圆饭有多重要,因为大家少年时沉浸的生长环境大不同。团圆饭是我人生中最重要的事情,我真希望我的家人会明白这个佳节聚会的传统不是为了让妈妈们累,只是为了让一家人有非聚在一起不可的理由。

我一直向往做个不一样的人,所以从小就会选择一个比较崎岖的道路。虽然这是自己领悟的所谓"道理",但是我真觉得吃得苦中苦,方为人上人。

只是错过团圆饭这个苦,能不能不要上演了?