Growing Up

I seriously have no idea what was I thinking. Slept at 7am, woke up at 10am to make a call to reschedule my IPL treatment to 5pm then appear there at 4.15pm. Did it earlier and ran (yes I ran!) on a train to the airport.

I was stinking sweat then; supposingly feel frustrated but I felt satisfied, I did not think twice. I was going to meet my sister and her sons whom is flying overseas, to which the next time we meet is undefined.

Over the years, I became gradually careful of my options and decisions at all times. People said it is called growing up, I think it I called normalizing ones' creativity, it is somehow consuming me at the same time. I felt like a right brainer turning into a left brainer and slowly going to be a no brainer.

I can feel the sense of losing myself to the norm of the society especially to do something adhocly has become a choice.

If this is growing up, why was I not warned?
If this is growing up, is creativity the only thing I will be giving up on?
If this is growing up, have I lost more than just my spontaneity and have not realized it?
If this is growing up, will I fail to know myself soon?

I don't have an answer, will I ever have an answer? I really wish I can screw work, buy a ticket, fly anywhere now, think it through there then decide the next step. Well since tomorrow is a working day, I am not getting on a last minute flight anywhere.

Return ticket to my work is the only available option right now. Do you feel the same?

The Right Person

Do you know who is the right person for you in your life?

I used to think that I will not find the right person for me in my life and I have been struggling to feel happy and secured.

Maybe it is age factor or maybe because I have been through a lot hence recently I felt that finding the right person is not finding the person you want but it's about finding the person that can let you become the person you should be becoming, making me more of the person that will love life, becoming the person that enjoy life, becoming the person that will feel satisfied and will never ever hate being alive.

I met (and left) this guy whom I was with for 5 years, someone I wanted to have in my life. He treated me well in the first few months then he became really controlling until an extend he beat me and kept me in the house for 2 years. I couldn't explain why I sucked it up back then but I eventually came to my conscience and worked my way out of his sight. I was kept away from his family for 5 years, earned and spent all my money, took up bank loans on his behalf, lost all my savings, got trouble in my first business attempt and I couldn't work because he regularly came to harass me at my work place.

I wouldn't thank him for who I am today because with or without him, I would live another day without scar on my body, heart and mind. Everything happened for a reason and I am grateful I lived that through.

On another occasion, I am currently dating a guy whom I never thought I would be with. He was boring (now not that boring), blunt and most of the time seemed cold to me. Me being a talkative, outgoing and passionate person, we didn't connect quite well. There were numerous ups and downs but he sticked around really tightly, we grew together.

What made me really sure about him being in my life for the longest of time is the fact that he loves my family and his family the same way, although we are still just dating. He cares for my sister and mother's well being without being asked. He constantly reminds me of going back to home and let me be myself.

He used to piss me of by trying to talk me into his way but upon confrontation of the situation, he respect my choice and I learned to respect his choice too.

A side note, he used to be very calculative about money, I was a person whom don't think when I spend (I am not in debt); we changed. He taught me how to save and I taught him how to spend well, I can say that we have stable financial now because we were so different in handling our financial thus benefited us by being balanced! This will be shared on how in another post.

The point I wish to say is that, it don't really matter who you want to have in your life but the person you need in your life, to be a better version of you. I am thankful and grateful to be able to meet this loyal person  whom have made me a better person along the way.

Are you currently seeing the person you never thought you wanted but just happened to be the one that you need?

Lost and Found

I have been relatively lost recently, figuring out the next step of my life. I have tried talking to many people but none really can tell me what I should be doing next.

I have been planning many times for long time, thinking during sleepless nights and counting those abstract analysis in order to gauge my next time. 

I love life, I embrace my life and I have been living the 10 years plan I have set. Having it achieved worries me.

I fear I may not know what to do next in life;

I fear I will not have something new to look forward to;

I fear being a nobody at the end of my life in this world;

I fear of being not enough as a daughter, sister, aunt, friend or worker;

I fear the most of being not good enough as a world growth contributor.

What if I have done not enough today to be a better me than yesterday?

I see many people have been doing it their way or the way they wanted me to see it as. When can I be like that?

Little did I know that a gathering I have consistently missed in the last 10 years would bring difference to my life, thoughts and my whereabouts. 

My primary classmates, were people whom I genuinely missed because of how they make me feel when I am around them. They don't judge me, is always subjective and have always let me feel welcomed in the group, although I have missed almost 100% of the gathering in the last 10 years.

They did not judge me.

They were eye openers to me.

They have inspired me to be myself.

They remind me not to rush the clock because of someone else.

They are all diligent people working in their field of expertise.

They have reminded me that I should look out of my desk to be different.

I am grateful and thankful that this bunch of people actually look forward to having a gathering every year, having the effort to make it to the gatherings. I will do my best to attend all the gatherings in future because I know I will be inspired even more.